Another chapter in my life

Friday 1 December 2017

Almost ten and a half years ago I moved out of what was my marital home with my two sons who were nearly 13 and 10 respectively. We were embarking on the next chapter in our lives; my sons now coming to terms with the fact that their parents had separated and how that was going to impact on their lives. We moved into our house, just the three us of and were all to grow as individuals.

Today, that house has been sold and the keys handed over to someone else. One son is now 23 and the proud owner of a 2 bedroom flat and on the property ladder himself; the other, now 20, embarking on his third year at university living out his dream studying in the US, at the University of Dallas.

A lot has changed over the last 10 years. People talk about '7 year life cycles' and I can definitely relate to that.

This time last year I could never have imagined that my life would be where it is today. Our works Christmas do was on this day, as it is this year, and I was entertaining several members of staff with my online dating exploits! We were even suggesting that I could write a book! Little was I to know that a chance encounter 19 days later would lead to where I am today.

Last night, both of my sons, independently, sent me messages; 'did you get any photos/cry over empty Ruster Way'  and 'Are you sad?'.  I can honestly say that what was our home had just become a house. When they both left home and were at university, which was in September 2015, our home became somewhere that I lived and sort of lost it's heart and vibrance; the empty nest effect and although one has come home they are both now adult men and our relationships are different; as they should be!

My boys have well and truly spread their fledgling wings but still know where they can come to for reassurance and knowledge. We are all learning how to behave in the adult-adult realm rather than adult-child world!

So, we all start the next chapters of our lives.

I am very excited about my life. I have started to do some things that have been dormant for some time; the creative part of me which come from my roots, my father and paternal grandmother. I have a man in my life who is encouraging and supportive, who, along with his children have taken me in and are accepting of who I am!

We are forging a path ahead and have some exciting plans. As I approach the end of my forties and the nifty fifties loom I am learning to deal with some of the challenges that life forces upon a woman of a certain age; embracing them and coming to terms with the changes imposed by my body.

Life is great and I am looking forward to new chapters that I would never have expected to write this time last year 😊.

Seriously . . . what went wrong!?

I wrote a post on 24 October and I thought that I'd got it figured out! I was determined and I had my sights clearly set on where I wanted to be.  

Seriously . . . what went wrong!?

Have you ever found yourself in this position? I bet many have and what do we do about it . . . give up, start again, any number of things? Is there a key? I'm not sure I truly know the answer to this but I do believe that there is generally something underlying that stops you achieving your weight goals. We use excuses and I know that this is probably a 'woman' thing or maybe just a 'me' thing but I do know that my head has to be in the game and if it isn't then really there is no point!

Today, Saturday 5 December, is the day I got to my goal weight with WeightWatchers four years ago. I have always been at my goal weight, or within five pounds of it, by this date. Not today and I'm actually quite sad about that. I'm not even close! I have been fairly in control for most of that four years. I have said before that 2015 has been a difficult year. The realization that I would, from September, be on my own at home? Being too busy to take care of me? Worrying about things and not acknowledging what they were? Life?

So. . . what did go wrong?? 

I've rewritten the answer to that question a couple of times and actually they are all excuses. My going wrong may not be the same as your going wrong but actually what needs to be focused on is 'what can I do to make it right?' Again, the answer to that may not be the same for you and me. I can only say what I know to be true and maybe that will help you come to what is the correct solution for you.

So . . . what does that mean for me??

It means going back to WeightWatchers . . . again! Tail between my legs! It's different this time as I will be filling the form in as a returning Gold member . . . laugh out loud! I HAVE TO GO TO MEETINGS. . . for me it is not just about the support, it's about being accountable to someone other than myself. Standing on someone else's scales.

As a WeightWatchers leader, I was able to stay in control of my weight because I was accountable to the members (and friends I made) in the meeting. On my own I'm accountable to no one other than me; I don't even have my sons at home to question if I'm 'allowed' to eat what I'm eating. I don't need to be a secret eater; I can do that in the comfort of my own home all by myself!!!

When I returned to WeightWatchers four and a half years ago I only ever wanted to be a UK size 12. I am that now, the problem is my wardrobe is full of size 10s and size 8s! I am also, today, ten pounds over my healthy BMI range; I am still classed as a 'normal' weight but I am anything but normal! I'm not happy with how I look naked, although there have been some gains that some might be very jealous of?! They know who they are and what it is they are jealous of!!! (I haven't yet worked out how to do a wink or a smiley face emoji on the blog!!) I have also acknowledged that 'maybe' I was too thin. A friend told me last week that when she has started working with me that I was too thin. I knew that, at my lightest weight, I was too thin but no one ever told me that. . . well, I don't think they did! Hearing that confirmed something that I already knew and I won't make the same mistake this time . . . maybe!!

I will be joining a meeting, before Christmas, I can't wait until after. 

I am over the 'hump' of my SAD and we are only two weeks away from the shortest day and it will therefore start to get lighter. It is also only two weeks until I break up for Christmas and both my boys will be returning home for the Christmas break over the next two weeks.

I have, for a long time, known what to do and how to do it. I just have to now put it into practice. That is easier said that done!

The very first thing that I have to do is decide which meeting to attend; do I go to one of those that I was the leader at or do I go to another. I thought that I had decided that but I keep changing my mind!

Friends

We all need friends, some of us more than others. My friends keep me sane (or maybe not!?) 

What makes a great friend? I'm not sure that there is a definitive answer to that; friends could be like cocktails, different ones for different occasions! At certain times in our lives we might need friends for very different reasons.

Do men and women have the same need for friends? I'm not sure and as a woman I can only answer for myself. As we travel on life's journey we may have had several different friendships. As a woman in my mid 40s I can say that I have had a 'best friend' in every decade of my life and each one of them has been different. I'm not sure what that says about me, maybe nothing, but maybe more about the fact that at different times in our lives we need different things out of friendships. I have to say that I am still in contact with all but one of my 'best friends' that I have had since the age of 18. It always amazes me that you can go for ages, maybe even years, and that you can meet up and just carry on where you last finished.

I am someone who will always offer a hand of friendship to anyone but I am maybe not very good at asking for help myself! So when I do my friends generally know that I am in need! I am the type of woman who doesn't need anyone to give me answers, usually! What I often require from a friend is just someone to listen to me speak. . . okay, they might be listening to me for a while!! Seriously a good friend, to me, does not try and solve my problems they listen, offer advice and don't judge. . . what works for them might not work for me.

Friends are also people that you can share memories with. . . and boy do I have some amazing memories from times that I have spent with friends. Sometimes just laughing can be the best form of remedy that anyone needs!

Let's spend time together and make loads more!

Are you insane woman?!

About fifteen years ago (!) I was first described by a then five year old boy as 'the nutty woman'. I did things that I thought were normal but that he had never witnessed in his short life; my antics always brought a smile to his face, probably my intention. He and his mother know who they are and I'm sure that some of my antics would still bring a bemused smile to their faces!

How many exercise videos do you own? Honestly?! Every New Year when the 'celebrities' bring out a new one do you go and buy yourself one?? I have over the years bought many; the first Davina exercise DVD (I have difficulty doing any Davina DVD as so many of her mannerisms are mine!), Tracey Shaw, Salsa, before the days of Zumba, Kettleworx (I do love this one). There are too many to list I could go on and on!

As I believe one of my sons lovingly told me once, 'all the gear, no idea'! Well you have to have the right exercise gear before you start, don't you?!

I first saw an infomercial for Insanity about six years ago whilst on a Christmas break in New York. I'd never seen anything like it and when I eventually saw the same infomercial on British TV a number of years later I knew that I had to own it. I think it took at least another year to pluck up the courage to actually buy it! That I did a little over two years ago.

Insanity, for those who don't know, is a 63 day total body workout programme given in a series of DVDs that is as the title so rightly says . . . INSANE!

This programme is not for the faint-hearted and I am not suggesting that you all go out and buy it. Here we go with a Tessa Moment!! The first time that I attempted the programme I got to day 43; for the first four weeks you exercise for no more than 40 minutes six out of seven days. Days 29 to 35 are called Recovery (!) but the DVDs are still 40 minutes long. Once you hit day 36 the minimum amount of time spent each day is about 60 minutes.

How often have you said I don't have time to exercise? If it's important to you, you will make the time but what I have learnt is that when I am doing an exercise DVD I really don't like anyone else to be around so I was getting up at the crack of dawn to do the exercises as I was still holding down a full-time job and at that point doing three WeightWatchers meetings a week! Something had to give and yes it ended up being Insanity. . . 

Insanity is one of those things that when you are doing it you are dying but afterwards you feel great; the prospect of starting it is very daunting though. I attempted to do the programme again about this time last year but quit at day 45 . . . two days better than last time and now doing four WeightWatchers meetings a week!!

That takes us to now. . . today is day 6 and I WILL do it this time!! I have an empty nest, I no longer do WeightWatchers meetings so when I come home from work I can just think about me!! 

The first time I did Insanity I heard my calf 'pop' about three days into it; there is a lot of 'jumping'. What I realised is that MY body couldn't cope with the repetition of movement on a hard floor. I was 44 then, I'm now 46!! I own a rebounder, which I has been in the family for over 30 years! I think my parents still have one too! I have replaced the 'mat' on it once but it was fantastic when the kids were little. I now use the rebounder for all the exercises that require my body to be lifted off the floor; this means less strain on my joints and actually I'm getting more of a workout as the I'm having to balance on the rebounder.

My eldest son has always said that I can't do it. . . this time I want to prove him wrong! My last workout is on Saturday 28 November. I have one of my brothers as inspiration as he has done it and his before and after pictures are amazing. I haven't taken any photos this time as for me it's actually about completing it and if I look amazing at the end of it that will be a bonus!!

The final countdown

I am on the final countdown. . . 

I have known that this week was coming for over a year and been preparing myself for at the least the last three months and on countdown since my youngest son received his A level results on Thursday 13 August! But it is bitter sweet. . .

On Saturday I will take both of my sons to Sheffield; one to continue his degree and the other to start his own adventure. I think that it will be great for both of them to have each other in the same city but they will be leaving me 'home alone'.

For people who know me I am a woman of structure and order. If you were to walk into my house, at the moment, you would not believe that; let's just say that you would have to be a very 'close' friend to be invited in! 

I often find myself lying soaking in the bath and considering where I will start with the MASSIVE clean up operation. I have contemplated their bedrooms but I really don't think that I can face them, just yet!

I keep coming back to the same room . . . where I have always gone to escape and have that little bit of 'me time' . . . the bathroom! So on Sunday I plan to start in the room where I find peace and solitude, reclaiming it as MY space . . . with music blaring out that no one can complain about! 

One room at a time, only six rooms upstairs and five downstairs. I'm going to clean and have the house spic and span before I start making it a mess by decorating it!

#emptynest

Empty nest picture

I am on countdown! In approximately three weeks time I will have finished a very long day driving my two sons to Sheffield, one to continue with his degree and the other to start his. Although they are both in the same city they will be at different university's . . . 

. . . so what am I going to do?! It has been suggested that I have a party; that may come in time but the very first thing that I am going to do is reclaim my house from young adults!

Having thought about the fact that as I'm in the throws of perimenopause and thinking how similar it is to puberty, I have had time to reflect on my years as a teenager, especially those as a late teen and a young woman in her early twenty's. 

I regularly claim that my house has been hit by a bomb and this quote says it all. Having had the pleasure of my eldest son home for the best part of four months, I collected him on 29 May, I can confirm that having him plus my other son AND their two girlfriends, for a significant amount of that time, has made me feel just like this!

I have often gone to bed at night and hoped that the house fairy might have performed miracles when I get up in the morning only to discover when I open my door and walk down the stairs that nothing has changed.

Now here I will admit that my parents had to leave the nest as I wouldn't leave them . . . well that's how I see it! My parents abandoned me at the age of nineteen to move to the middle of nowhere in Scotland! This is not 'actually' true, it depends on how you tell the story!! I have three much younger brothers who 'had' to move with my parents but I was able to make a choice. I, at nineteen, had a job and a boyfriend and the prospect of moving the the West coast of Scotland, no matter how beautiful it is, was not even on my agenda!

I lived in my parents house for about six months, sold it for them; I like to claim that I did! (I was in sales at the time!!) I then lived in a flat of my own for about a year. My dad visited me once a month (that's a whole different story!) and he would say that he would have to do a month's worth of washing up before he could even make himself a cup of tea as there were never any clean plates, cups or cutlery! (I would also point out that he was making his own cup of tea; where was I offering him one?!) How times have changed!! He would also say that the bath was only ever cleaned when he came!

I am regularly told that 'it isn't that bad' and 'we've seen worse' . . . but as I say 'THIS IS MY HOUSE AND I WANT IT TO LOOK NICE . . . ONCE IN A WHILE'!

So, although it drives me potty that my house does not look like a show home and has had that 'lived in, student look' for the last four months I know that at some point these young people in my lives will understand what living in a clean house means . . . hopefully!!

I have wondered what I will do when I wake up on the first Sunday morning on my own. I've come up with many ideas but the first will actually be to spend the day cleaning. Now I am very aware that this may take more than one day but I will start it. The second major job on the list is to start decorating . . .

Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney, and illustrated by Anita Jeram, was first published in 1994; I bought it for our eldest son, who was born in 1994, when his little brother was born in 1997. 'I love you to the moon and back' is something that we have regularly said to each other; although obviously as they have got older this has become less frequent! They are boys! 

This is for both of them . . . as a reminder of how much I love them . . . how proud I am of them and that even though I am on countdown I will miss them both tremendously. My house might be cleaner and tidier but for a couple of months it will stop being a 'home' filled with them. Will they still wrestle each other in my sitting room when they come 'home'?!