2022 - A year of HRT - Part 3: July to September

Welcome to a year of HRT - Part 3. 

As mentioned in Part 2, I’d collected my prescription for the Evorel 75 patch, the replacement for my Sandrena gel, at the end of June. I applied my first patch on the evening of Saturday 2 July. I felt completely out of sorts on the Sunday and Monday; had a migraine on both days. I even fell asleep on the Sunday afternoon, which is really unusual. I took the patch off on the Tuesday night as my Sandrena prescription had arrived, and this would have been the day that I would have changed it anyway. I did not, at the time, think that how I felt was in any way related to the application of the patch. 

The following Monday I passed a large blood clot. TMI? Maybe, but as I've said previously I'm wanting to be honest and hope that anyone reading this can take something from my experiences. I’d not had anything like that since the summer of 2019, so it was a complete shock to the system. I flooded my underwear and the shorts that I was wearing and had to go home to wash and change. Now, I wasn’t overly concerned as I had a sneaky feeling that it had something to do with the Evorel patch. My specialist appointment was the week later, and I knew that I would discuss it there. Had I not been due to have this appointment I would have sought medical counsel. Any bleeding that is not usual should be investigated.

So, Tuesday 12 July arrived; my menopause specialist appointment. After I’d received my blood test results, and as the day drew closer and closer, I was getting more apprehensive. I’m an acknowledged overthinker and had already decided that I might face the same response as I had from my GP. There are a couple of differences between a GP and a menopause specialist; one is time and the other knowledge. If you are lucky you get 10 minutes with a GP and if you are even luckier they have a specialist knowledge on the menopause. A GP has basic knowledge of so many conditions and just doesn’t have the time that someone facing perimenopause and menopause needs, in my opinion. My first menopause specialist appointment was for a guaranteed 50 minutes. If you know me, you will know that we didn’t stick to this time but to be fair, I did have 10 years to discuss!! I also established that Dr Glenys is an NHS GP and that she, and another colleague, had attempted to get funding to set up an NHS menopause clinic in the Peterborough and Cambridgeshire area but this had been declined. She had then set up her own clinic. This also explains why her clinic is only open 2 days as week. If I was one of her patients I’d be getting her knowledge and expertise on the NHS. How lucky are her NHS patients!

I needn’t have been apprehensive. Dr Glenys was amazing. I’d documented my period cycles for the last 10 years, highlighted some of my early perimenopause symptoms, then later ones. Discussed the fact that I was prescribed an SSRI (antidepressant) for those symptoms. She asked why? I had no answer to that, as I didn’t know why I was ever really prescribed them, other than that I’d been told that they would help with my hormonal imbalance?!

She then went on to discuss the results of my blood test. Although I had been applying the oestrogen gel for 7 months or so, I wasn't absorbing it properly, as my oestrogen levels were lower than they should be. This explained why I was still getting symptoms; night sweats, periods of being able to fall asleep fairly easily but waking anywhere between 1 and 3am, then staying awake for 2 plus hours, being moody and tearful, to name a few!

I’d been advised to apply the oestrogen gel on the outside of my thigh. Dr Glenys informed me that this was not the best place for absorption and then went on to show me where to apply it; it should be where the skin is thinner, so the inside of the thigh or even the inner forearm.

We discussed my testosterone levels and the impact of my sex hormone binding globulin, one of the other tests that had been done. She agreed that adding testosterone to my HRT regimen would definately be beneficial for me. Yeh! I was so relieved!

After further discussion we agreed that I would change from the gel to a patch. I told her what had happened to me on the Evorel patch. She explained that although the dose of the patch was correct for the dose of Sandrena I was on, because I was not absorbing the Sandrena gel properly I’d hit myself with as huge dose of oestrogen all in one go. Hence the migraine, feeling odd and the blood clot a week later! There is another patch available, Estradot, which we agreed would be good for me as someone who has a history of migraines. The recommendation was to start on 50 micrograms, then a month later move to 75 micrograms, then a month after that move onto 100 micrograms. Basically, increasing my oestrogen levels at a steady pace. Once my oestrogen levels increased I could then start the testosterone.

I received the clinic letter, by email, late afternoon on the day of the appointment. Wow! This summarised everything that we had discussed and she had also supplied me with a prescription for the Estradot, to discuss with my GP. I pay for an NHS prescription prepayment plan, and as this is available on the NHS there was no point in paying for a private prescription. In October 2021, the Government announced that women in England would only have to pay one charge of £18.70 for up to a 12-month supply of HRT. It was recently confirmed that the move would not be enacted till April 2023! It may be the case that I can have a 3-month supply on one prescription, when my levels have settled down, but for the moment it's a monthly prescription for me.

Dr Glenys discussed 3 different forms of testesterone with me; 2 types of male testosterone and 1 type of female. I opted to go with one of the male types, partly due to how little is used therefore how long they last (approx 300 days) and also cost! The female form, AndroFeme, is licensed in Australia and comes as a 3-month supply costing almost double what the male form costs for 3 times less supply! She had sent the prescription to a pharmacy, I then received an email from them to pay, and two days later the testosterone (Testim) had arrived. Because of how little I will be applying I then had to source a very small syringe to measure the dosage correctly! Amazon was great for this! They are sitting in the bottom of my wardrobe waiting for the day that I can start applying it!

During my weekend spa break with my best friend, we'd had time to talk! One of the many topics was weight loss, or lack of it. On Saturday 16 July I stood on my bathroom scales, yet again! Weight not quite back to where it was last November when I wrote A moment in time but only 2 pounds off...... The holiday booked then was now only 15 weeks away. I set a plan. As I have said, repeatedly, I am always better with a plan. Whether that is food planning, exercise or even with a target in mind. 15 weeks allowed a healthy weight loss of between 14 and 28 pounds. The top end of the possible weight loss would be lovely, but as I've got older the weight has not been as easy to lose. With all this in mind I set about meal planning and food management started. 'Food management' is the phrase my hubbie came up with. It's not a diet, as it is a way of life. I just need to manage what I am eating! oh, and maybe think about exercise too!

I'd had to have some repeat blood tests for my GP for something unrelated. Although, as I am writing this my thoughts are that I when I went in May and discussed testosterone with the GP I also discussed how easily I bruise with her, which led to the original blood tests. I've read something recently suggesting that bumping into things and therefore bruising are another perimenopause/menopause symptom! I had scheduled an appointment for a week after seeing Dr Glenys, to discuss those tests and also update her on my private appointment. I took a copy of the clinic notes so that she could put them with my NHS notes. I continued to use the Sandrena gel, before this appointment, but changed to applying it to my inner forearm, as had been suggested by Dr Glenys.

My GP raised the prescription for the three doses of Estradot and sent them to our local pharmacy, which is a village Boots store. Eager to start the patches as soon as possible, I went to the pharmacy that afternoon. I was greeted with supply issues of this particular patch. The advice given was to call other pharmacies to find out whether they had stock. Should this really have been down to me to do? Anyway, I did! I found out that a larger Boots store not to far away had stock of the 50 and 100 patches and that they could order the 75. I arranged to have my prescription put back into the system?! This meant that as I had my NHS number any other pharmacy could then pull that prescription and fulfil it for me. 

So, I applied the first Estradot patch on Wednesday 20 July. This patch was much smaller than the Evorel patch and 'stuck' more easily than the Evorel patch had. I put that first patch on my upper thigh. Subsequent patches I have applied around my hip area, alternating the side that it is on.

Whilst on this dose I was GRUMPY! I'm sure that the 'long suffering husband' could use other words to describe me but that's my interpretation! I was still having night sweats, periods of broken sleep and therefore tired, grumpy and with little energy. I suppose some of that is possibly because I had been applying the 1.5mg Sandrena gel in the correct place for about a week, so I had therefore increased my oestrogen levels; I had then dropped them back down when applying the patch.

I previously mentioned in my Jan to March post that I hadn't read the book that was suggested by Oprah but in July I read another. Natural Hormone Balance for Women by Uzzi Reiss. This book was published in 2002 and is written by an American Obstetrician-gynaecologist. I don't know where or when I bought this book, probably years ago BUT what I do know is that I should have read it earlier! I hadn't even finished reading the foreword before I'd messaged my best friend and told her I was ordering her a copy. There are many points raised that I could relate to. Parts I read made me have 'lightbulb' moments. I've been looking at the last 10 years of my life and totally 'get it'. I have been so impressed that I discovered that he wrote another book in 2020, The Good News About Estrogen, that I ordered this too! This book is really an updated version of the first book but does have some added information relevant to the 2020's. 

In August 2016 I wrote the blog post Post Moonwalk Blues. What I have realised since reading the aforementioned books is that I almost definately had a hormone crash at this time. I sort of knew this due to food that I started to crave and was then eating. Sweets! I'd never really been a sweet or chocolate eater but I would binge on handy packs; Haribo's, Maltesers, anything really! I fell out of love with walking. Again, looking back, I know that some of this was due to the ever increasing aches and pains which I couldn't face after doing even a 3 to 4 mile, 1 hour walk. My periods were still averaging 25 days but with increasingly heavy first days. By the end of that year I had my first 'missed' cycle. I wonder if I'd read the first book earlier if I'd have had a better understanding? For me, there is nothing I can do about that. This series of blogs is to get someone who is reading to look at themselves. I was just shy of my 43rd birthday when I noticed my first perimenopause symptoms and I didn't even know that that's what it was! Knowledge is power and if this gives someone a little bit more knowledge then I've achieved something! Look to my blog post Trust me! if you want to see the list of 40 possible perimenopause symptoms; either to refresh you or to help you to look for signals.

On Monday 1 August I went to a ReboundFit class in Brampton. This is exercise on a mini trampoline and is great fun. Easy on your joints. An overall great workout. I've been to them before but when I found this class, so much closer to home, I knew that I had to rejoin. Another tick in the box for trying to regain control of my life.

Four weeks after applying the Estradot 50mcg patch I started the next box, so up to 75 micrograms. I'd lost 7 pounds (lbs) in weight and also managed to maintain some kind of exercise programme! I am still keeping track of any symptoms on my WellWoman app. Within 2 weeks of starting this patch the night sweats had completely stopped. The broken sleep was down to a couple of times a week rather than only having a couple of nights uninterrupted sleep a week! This all adds up to feeling, a little, more energetic and taking an interest in things. That is very vague as I can't quite put my finger on what I mean here. I suppose it's a little bit more 'get up and go', rather then wanting to spend a weekend morning in bed!

On Wednesday 14 September I applied the 100mg patch. I change my patch on a Wednesday and a Saturday. It works for me to be in this kind of routine. When I looked at what the recommendations were for patch changing, this one was the one that I felt suited my lifestyle best. I generally have a bath every evening. So I remove the patch before I get in the bath. I use copious amounts of soap to remove the 'glue' residue that is left from the surrounding area. If that doesn't work then I have found that baby oil removes the last little bit; a tip gleaned from a live Instagram with Lisa Snowden and Dr Naomi Potter!

The day after applying the second 100mg Estradot patch I had spotting. Having had the bleeding that I have had this year I knew that this was down to the increase in oestrogen; probably why Dr Glenys didn't just prescribe me it straight off! Remember that I had not been absorbing the ostrogen from the Sandrena gel properly and I'd passed that blood clot whem I'd 'overdosed' on the Evorel 75 patch. The spotting lasted 3 days and then settled. I was now on countdown! Two weeks on the 100mg patch and I could start applying the testosterone.

By the end of September I could most definately say that I was starting to feel more like me! That's a really difficult one to quantify. The easiest way to describe it is this; imagine a birthday balloon that slowly loses air. There's still some in it but it's not as full as it was. You are then somehow able to refill the balloon. Pump it up a bit! That's the easiest way to say how I feel. Still got some saggy, crinkly bits like that deflated balloon but with some air pumped back in I'm feeling much better. About myself. About my well-being. About my relationships. About my life.

2022 - A Year of HRT - Part 1: January to March

This post was going to be a long read! So much so that in July, I decided that as I’d been writing and amending it so many times since I posted my last blog in December 2021, A moment in time, that I needed to break it down into smaller chunks. This is the first of what will be four parts where I will catalogue my journey with HRT through 2022.

2022 – A year of HRT – Part 1: January to March

On Wednesday 12 January, I saw some highlights of Dr Louise Newson and Lisa Snowden's interview on This Morning and then watched the 16-minute interview the following morning. There were some really good points raised about the menopause, perimenopause, and HRT.

It got me thinking. Lisa Snowden stated that she started having symptoms at the age of 42 and she had no knowledge of menopause or perimenopause.

I was completely different. In my late 20's and early 30's I was a stay-at-home mum. Anyone who knew me then would laugh at the 'timetable' that was my life. One thing that I did do, at a certain point, was exercise on a rebounder for an hour a day. Not anything like the Bounce™ classes that I have been to in the last couple of years, just gentle rebounding and I generally used that time to watch Oprah! 

Oprah is 68 years old, so back when I was watching her in the early 2000's she would have been in her mid-40's so perimenopause and menopause would have been on her radar. I remember watching a programme where I was first introduced to the term perimenopause. Unlike Lisa Snowden who had no knowledge of this or really of the menopause, I was fully aware that I could be perimenopausal for possibly a decade before I then became menopausal. I even bought a book that Oprah suggested should be read. The idea was good, but the book remains unread, even to this day! In the following 20+ years I have bought several books on menopause always with the intention of reading them but guess what (?!) they have remained unread! I will come back to this in Part 3!

The difference that I faced was a general belief that I couldn’t ask for HRT and that if I did, I would be sent packing. Also, it took me a number of years to realise that some of the ‘flags’ were perimenopause symptoms. I am not someone who goes to see a doctor regularly. Over the past nine months I have seen healthcare professionals more than I have in the previous 5 years!

So, let’s get back to HRT; as I stated in A moment in time I started HRT on 12 November 2021. My NHS GP advised that the Gold standard in HRT was an oestrogen gel (Sandrena) and as I still have my uterus I would need progesterone too and that this should be supplied through the Mirena coil. I’d not heard anything from my practice two weeks after my physical appointment. I called and established that there was a waiting list of around three months to have the coil fitted! Having made the decision to start HRT, I wasn’t satisfied with waiting that long. After a phone consultation with the GP, she prescribed the progesterone in tablet form (100mg of Utrogestan) and 1mg of Sandrena. As I have previously said, within five days I noticed an almost immediate difference; muscle aches and pains disappeared, my mood was better and my attitude towards certain things was improved.

The Sandrena gel comes in a little silver sachet. I was squeezing this into my hand then putting it onto my outer thigh, alternating each night onto a different leg (if I could remember which leg I’d done the night before!). You should not rub the gel in as you do a moisturiser so as soon as I’d put it on, I was then washing my hands, so as not to transfer it onto anything or my husband! I saw a post on Instagram where someone suggested using a spatula. I found some fantastic small spatulas on Amazon. So, squeeze the sachet onto the spatula and then apply to my thigh. Easy, clean and trouble free! Although it would take about 30 minutes for the gel to ‘dry’.

When I started taking the progesterone tablet and applying the gel, I was two weeks off not having a ‘bleed’ for a year. The GP and I agreed that I should be on ‘continuous HRT’ as I was so close to the ‘magic’ year. At no point did I have any breakthrough bleeding, which I had been advised might happen, and the only adverse reaction was that I noticed that about 30 minutes after taking the Utrogestan, I got stomach cramps; nothing too severe, just like a mild period pain. Also, not a huge issue as I had been advised to take the pill and apply the gel at night-time, so I was falling asleep fairly quickly after taking it.

Some of the issues that surround perimenopause and menopause are about sharing experience and details. I am using this blog to share details, some of which might not make for pleasant reading; it’s my experience but does need to be shared.

On 24 January I had the Mirena coil fitted and stopped taking the Utrogestan. I expected to have some bleeding, due to how it is fitted. I’ve heard lots of negative comments about having a coil fitted. I can’t say that it was a pleasant experience, but it could have been worse! I do think that if I was a younger woman and had not had children this would have been completely different. When you have children you just tend to take ‘painful’ things in your stride. I had niggle bleeding for the first week and then a ‘proper’ bleed for at least 4 weeks. Bear in mind that I hadn’t had a bleed for 14 months to this point, so this was a little bit of a shock. I continued to bleed for approximately 16 weeks; not enough to worry about but enough that I did have to use a panty liner every day. I had a couple of chats with the GP and was told that it could take around six months for my hormones to settle down. I was reaching a point where I was going to ask to have the coil removed when it did settle down.

The breakthrough bleeding that I’d been warned about when starting HRT hadn’t materialised but change to the coil and naively, I’d expected that to still be the case; how wrong was I!

Four weeks after having the coil fitted, I had an appointment, with a nurse, to check its status. There were a couple of questions that I had which required a GP’s input. I had a telephone call and discussed that some of my symptoms had re-appeared; I was grumpier than I had been, to name just one. The GP increased my dose of Sandrena to 1.5mg.

As I’m over 50 I now have 3-yearly breast screening. This took place at the end of March and no issues were raised at this screening.

I follow several menopause specialists on Instagram as well as being part of forums/pages on Facebook. All of these I find really useful. You get an understanding that you are not the only one going through what you are plus hints and tips. Dr Louise Newson, @menopause_doctor, and the Balance app that she set up are amazing tools. I would advise everyone to download it. You can track your symptoms, and the articles on the app/website www.balance-menopause.com are invaluable plus the YouTube channel, balance Menopause. I also follow Dr Naomi Potter, @drmenopausecare, and also find everything that she has to say really informative. Dr Potter does a mid-week live Instagram with Lisa Snowden and they have recently created a YouTube channel called Menopause Madness. Davina McCall's new book, Menopausing, has also been written with Dr Naomi Potter.

As I approached the end of March, having been on HRT for just over four months, I still didn’t feel quite right. I knew that it wouldn’t be a magic fix and I also think that the daily bleed, though only slight, was getting me down. One of the biggest problems that we as women have is that we really don’t talk about this kind of thing. We start our monthly cycle and it’s something that we accept/put up with, along with all the pains and issues that go with them. I am of a generation where it just wasn’t really talked about. One thing that is happening is that prominent women, Davina McCall, Lisa Snowden, to name just two, are bringing perimenopause and menopause into the open. To be discussed. As the mother of boys, I didn’t have to have the ‘period’ conversation, but I have been very vocal about perimenopause with them. Mainly because at some point they may have a woman in their life who would go through it! I wanted them to have some understanding and to be supportive of their partner when that time comes.

If you want to continue reading how my year has gone, please read Part 2: April to June, Part 3: July to September and finally Part 4: October to December. Depending on when you are reading this they may or may not have been posted!

A moment in time

In the blink of an eye 10 years have gone by. On this day, 10 years ago, I reached my WW Goal weight. I'd been on a mission, I had a wedding that I was going to and it took me 5 months to reach my goal. 

We all know what a strange year 2020 was for the whole world and and as we head towards the end of 2021 we are still not out of the woods with COVID-19. 

On 1st January 2020 I was in a great place; my first granchild was just over two weeks old, our business was moving in a direction that we wanted it to and I had decided that I needed to take control of my eating. We were away on holiday so, new year's resolutions aside, I knew that I would not be making any real changes until we got home. 

I stood on the scales on 4th January 2020 and I was 4 stone (56 pounds) over my WW goal weight. A weight that I had not seen in over 20 years and way above where I'd started on that journey 8/9 years previously. As I have said in previous posts I am unsure whether, as I have got older, this goal weight is realistic, but that is something that did not need thinking about at this time! What needed to be thought about was that control was gone and I needed to gain some back!

I always do better staying in control when I have a target. At the start of 2020 this was a 50th Wedding Anniversary party in mid March; this was cancelled with the imminent threat that COVID-19 presented. As we went into the first UK Lockdown on 23 March I had managed to lose 14 pounds; not bad for 11 weeks, a steady one pound a week loss.

I have read many varied accounts about people taking control of their lives and those who lost all control during the various lockdowns that we had. I very firmly fall into the latter camp! Running your own business, not being able to operate that business and wondering if it will still be viable were all things that put an end to any of the good 'gains' that I had made. Coupled with not being able to see family and friends, being able to touch and hug, all added to firmly losing control; not just of food but of many things.

I started, again, in January 2021 determined that as I approached the age of 52 I would take back control. I did make it to my birthday (2 April) but I was hit with an unexpected wall in mid April. My focus was needed elsewhere. As many who struggle with weight loss would attest to you have to be selfish and it is very easy to put everyone before you. Once a mother, always a mother and when your child needs you, even as an adult, you do everything you can to help.

In mid October, I watched Davina McCall: Sex, Myths and Menopause. I had recorded it when it first aired on Channel 4 on 12 May but had wanted to watch it with my husband and had not been in a place where I could.  For the last 6+ years I have been talking about perimenopause to anyone and everyone who would and wouldn't listen! 

I have previously blogged about the many symptoms of perimenopause and menopause in my blog Trust me! When I wrote that blog in August 2015 I had 18 of the 40 that are on this list. To date, I can say that I have now experienced at least 23. I went to see a GP in April 2015 as my headaches/migraines were so bad. I can't remember when I first went to the GP to talk about my perimenopause symptoms but I cannot believe that in that appointment that I didn't discuss the fact that I knew that they were cyclical and therefore hormone related. At a subsequent appointment with a medical professional I was prescribed anti-depressants. No talk of HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy)! I took these on and off for about 18 months but something didn't feel right. They were masking other issues! I no longer have migraines but other symptoms have taken over! 

October is Menopause month in the UK and Davina McCall, via Instagram, was posting daily symptoms related to menopause and perimenopause. Several posts hit home and one on weight gain grabbed my attention. Davina said, 'I often get asked if hrt makes u lose weight. It doesn't. But, it might give you the energy to want to do something about it.' Another on Electric Shock Syndrome (ESS) made me make a call to my GP. I was experiencing something like this which in the back of my mind was perimenopausal but reading this post confirmed it. My last period was 28th November 2020, so I was on the cusp of that magic year being period free. 

This last year has seen a huge campaign in the UK to dispel some myths around HRT and the get women the support they need whilst going through the menopause.

After a tearful telephone appointment with a female GP she agreed to send me links to some HRT information and an appointment was booked for a week later. At the same time I weighed up my options regarding weight loss. As I have blogged before, I have been following a variant of the WeightWatchers (now WW) since my early 20s. I am aware that many people now follow the Slimming World plan but I CANNOT eat food that makes a 'treat' a 'syn'. I know that it's psychological but I want to be able to eat whatever I want without ever feeling guilty about it.

On Monday 8th November I weighed myself, it had been a while; then I opened the WW app. (The app has never been off my phone in the 7 years since I downloaded it!) Oh no! it's that time of year when WW 'mess' with everything that you know! I do say that with a hint of sarcasm; the WW plan is usually modified every 2 years due to advances in science. I took the quiz and read everything about 'PersonalPoints'. 

Initial thoughts  . . . I can't do this! I looked at this new way for 5 days. Every time I took the questionnaire it changed my daily allowance! If I'm honest I couldn't see that it would work but I needed to do something. What I would say is that having read all the information provided by WW, 'PersonalPoints' is, in my mind, all about planning. Something that I have always advocated and even blogged about before.

I started on HRT on Friday 12th November. I sat and planned all my meals (and snacks) for the following week. Stood on the scales on Saturday 13th November; nearly back to the weight of 4th January 2020, but not quite! 

So, here we are on the 4th December 2021, 10 years after I reached my WW Goal weight! I am 3 weeks into HRT and restarting WW on my own PersonalPoints. I can already tell the difference that HRT has made; little gains like being able to walk down the stairs in the morning without painful ankles. This might actually lead to being able to go for long walks again (fingers crossed!). Something that I used to enjoy but have fallen out of love with. I have dropped 7 pounds. I have gone swimming weekly; little steps! I feel motivated. I have more energy and after speaking to the doctor yesterday I hope that things will only get better; she has suggested that it might take 6/8 weeks for the HRT to really take effect.

HRT may not be for everyone but if you have just a few of the symptoms listed above speak to your doctor. I wish that I had been more forceful 6 years ago.

As I said at the start of this post, I do better when I have something to aim towards. That's a foreign holiday (what's one of those?!) in November 2022. A year to lose and maintain some weight. A year of HRT and let's hope some motivation to start exercising again! 

Here's to my 50's!

And so she starts again . . . again!

I know I have a problem. It's part of the reason for my blog because I know I'm not the only one out there and if my honesty hits just one other then that's a good thing . . . I think!? 

I'm a food addict and when I fall off the wagon I do it in the most epic style!

In the middle of May I was so close to the point where I could say I was happy with my weight. Then something happened. To this day I'm not really sure what. I have spent 6 months trying to figure that out. Coming to some conclusions about myself. Putting other theories out of my mind.  All I truly know is that I fell off the wagon. Hard.

Before you can get back on the journey you need to want to. I mean really want to. No messing about. No playing. Maybe you have to hit the bottom hard. Crash.

So once you have dusted yourself off you need to put a plan together. Nothing, in life I believe, works without a plan.

So with that in mind. I've done what I know to do. What I know works, for me. Eaten humble pie . . . again and gone back. Taken that step. Walked through the doors. Found the correct platform and got back on the train yet again. This time I need to try not to fall out of the moving carriage and to keep on the right track. Even when I think I've arrived I have to wait for the train to stop. I can't step off a moving train. I'm also not sure that this train ever stops it should just slow down!

And so she starts again . . . again!

Post Moonwalk blues

I have been silent for a while but during this time I have partially written three blogs but for one reason or another I have not posted them!

I last wrote on my blog on 6 June 2016, around six weeks after I had completed the Moonwalk; I thought that I had learnt a thing or two and would be able to change some things that were going wrong. Another six weeks on and I am still not there but I have learnt some more things along the way that I wanted to share and hope that it may give a 'light bulb' moment for someone, if not it will just be a good read!

WeightWatchers offers something to me that I know that I need; it isn't for everyone but it's good for me. So, what is that? Well, it's the support of a group of people who are all trying to achieve the same thing with a group leader who also has had, or continues to have, the same struggles as everyone in that group. WeightWatchers was founded on this principle over 50 years ago. I need to remind myself that part of that is to take time for yourself, setting aside that hour a week to go to a meeting and not let other things get in the way. . . 

The last time that I attended a meeting, which was about seven weeks ago, we were asked to look at ourselves and think about five things that are pretty cool about us. I know that almost everyone in the room probably looked at the floor and hoped that the leader did not ask us. She must have known this and told us to go away and think about it after first discussing that we are often times our own worst critic and that if we were to ask that question of our friends and family they would probably be able to reel off a whole list of things about us. The idea of coming up with five cool things about us was to try and change our attitude. Most of us who struggle with weight have most probably not got the best attitude when it comes to ourselves. I, for one, would, more often than not, overthink the answers and really struggle to come up with something. After trying not to do that I managed to come up with five;

1. I'm a loyal friend
2. I have a wicked laugh
3. I have beautiful eyes
4. I can talk for ever!
5. I make an amazing Bolognese sauce!

I am not really sure that these are actually cool things but heyho I came up with five things that are me and that I am proud of! Positive thinking will get you to where you want to be. I must remember to be kind to myself.

The next life lesson was much harder to deal with and acknowledge but I have learnt a new word because of it, although I'm not sure how much I will use it or even if it actually refers to me! In my last blog You're never too old to learn I stated that my competitiveness was causing me a problem. Having thought about this some more I realised that it had also had a huge impact on a major relationship in my life. The word that I have is atelophobia; the fear of imperfection, of not being good enough.

Now I am not saying that I have a phobia but what I am saying is that I recognise that thinking I am not good enough has often held me back. I have spent years sabotaging all sorts of things in my life; food being the major one.

I will not go into the whys and wherefores for where I think this comes from. What I do know is that knowledge is power. The realisation that I had was empowering; this just adds to that. What I have to do is shift how I view myself and stop thinking that I am not good enough. I AM good enough. This says it perfectly;

I do NOT need anyone to validate me; I am already valuable. 

This phrase may need to be repeated and repeated and repeated until I believe it but once I do then who knows what mountains I can climb and what heights I can soar. 

At the beginning of the year I had a plan, a focus; I knew exactly where I wanted to be and what my goals were. Unfortunately, I did not think past the 14th May! I should have known that once a goal had been realised that I might struggle; others around me did. I have spent the last twelve weeks in a post Moonwalk blues faze, beating myself up, trying to get myself out of a hole and not really knowing how to or why I was in it. I watched a programme, Bradley Wiggins 'Road to Rio', the other night and some things that were said resonated with me. After Bradley had won the Tour de France, in 2012, and then won a gold medal two weeks later at the London Olympics he suffered with depression for the best part of a year. He didn't know what to do or whether he wanted to even get back on a bike. Elated after completing the Moonwalk and knowing that I had power walked 26.2 miles, an achievement in itself, an opportunity arose to take part in another challenge The Thames Path Challenge. A 50km (31 mile) walk, also to raise funds for Walk the Walk. I did give it some thought, but maybe not as much as I should have, and signed up to take part in this event. It takes place on 10th September . . . loads of time to get back into the swing of walking! Yeh right! I set myself up with a new training plan for thirteen weeks and started it on Monday 5 June. I managed to stick to it for two weeks but since then it has gone slightly awry. Watching this Bradley Wiggins programme hit me smack in the face with the fact that I had the Moonwalk blues. It totally makes sense why I have found it difficult to motivate myself to walk but something needs to change as the Thames Path Challenge takes place in just over six weeks and I need to pull myself together.

I have learnt several lessons over the last twelve weeks and now just need to put them into practise. Understand that the only person that I need to be good enough for is me and that I AM good enough.

Maya Angelou once said, 'Success is liking yourself. Liking what you do and liking how you do it.'  I can genuinely say that ten years ago I did not like who I was but I have done a lot of work over that time to change that. I thought that I was there but this year has again proved that I have something to learn and things to change. That will not be easy. It has taken 47 years to get here but we are all a work in progress and learning is part of life. . . 

You're never too old to learn

Is there anything holding you back? Indeed, have you ever asked yourself this question or even contemplated it? 

I have known for as long as I can remember that I am competitive; it's in my genes! My mother is one of five and has four brothers. My father is the middle child of three with a younger brother; I know how competitive they both were! When playing any type of game with a non family member we used to have to tell them the 'Stephen' rules; I'm sure that my father changed the rules of every game so that he had a chance of winning! He would obviously deny this but there would be that cheeky grin and glint in his eye. . .

So, where am I going with this? For the last six weeks or so I have been going backwards. This is in relation to my overall health and well-being. I know exactly where I have been going wrong and I now exactly what to do to put it right but still I wasn't doing it. This is because I had no idea why I was. I went to my WeightWatchers meeting on Thursday night and, if I am honest, I was looking for some inspiration. For those who are new to this blog I was, until this time last year, a WeightWatchers leader. Therefore, I should know near enough everything that there is to know but here comes the bit about learning something new every day. Several things were said during the meeting. The journey that I take to the meeting is approximately thirty minutes. I, therefore, had my thirty minute drive home to contemplate the why? question. I am someone who reflects and wants to learn from things that I do and the answer that I found was not necessarily the easiest one.

I have said that I am competitive. I think that this is not a bad character trait but there are weaknesses to being competitive and how you use it. Some people who are competitive will want to win at all costs; to be the best and maybe to succeed at everything they do, maybe not caring for who gets in their way. I am most definitely not this type of person but I have identified that my competitive streak has been causing me some problems of late. I was a little bit taken aback but have since realised that I have seen this in at least one of my sons, so why am I surprised?!

So, I'll go back to my original question; Is there anything holding you back? I was so nearly where I wanted to be with both my weight and fitness so what has been holding me back? Since doing the Moonwalk, and maybe not realising or dealing with the psychological impact that this would have on me, I have been sabotaging. I have known that I was doing it but as I have said I didn't know why. The answer is my competitiveness. Due to eating really poorly, and some other life changes, I have not been able to do some of the things that were coming very naturally to me; complete a Kettlercise class with an 8kg kettlebell, walk at the pace that I was before the Moonwalk. Now this is almost definitely down to the crap that I have been putting in my body but the impact that being competitive has had on me has been a difficult one to come to terms with. As I have got weaker I have not been able to compete with the girls that I go to Kettlercise with or the friend that I walk with. The way my brain has been working is to shut down; to say if you can't be the best then don't compete at all!

This is what has been holding me back for the last six weeks! Now I have worked that out how do I go about changing my mental attitude? For me that is to take time for myself. Although some would describe me as the life and soul of the party I actually like solitude and my own company. I need to build my own self-confidence back up; believe in myself again and stop comparing myself to others. 

I have decided that for a while I will be walking on my own. I can sort my world out in my head by giving myself a good talking to; something that I don't do when I walk with my friend. She thinks that she's upset my apple cart but the reality is far from it. I have had to come face to face with something that has probably been happening for a great number of years but I didn't know it. Now I do I can manage it.

My mantra; everything happens for a reason, good or bad. At 47 I have learnt a life lesson that I probably should have learnt over 35 years ago but maybe then and before now I wasn't ready or equipped to handle it.

As an added note, whilst sitting writing this blog, my Facebook memories pinged on my phone. On this day last year I shared this picture. Now, I totally understand it and will keep reminding myself!

To my walking friend, it won't be long before I am staring at your bum again!!

Magnets!

This is a Ladycare magnet! 

When I first started looking into and thinking about my perimenopausal symptoms I looked at several things which I have previously alluded to in my blog post You're not going crazy. One of those things was the Ladycare magnet. 

I can't remember if I saw it in Boots the Chemist and then did some research or if I had done some research and discovered it in my local Boots!?

One of the articles that I read was the following one; Belinda Carlisle: A magnet in my underwear cured my hot flushes. Belinda Carlisle is a musician from my youth; slightly older than me but I was very interested by the article and I watched a video on You Tube as well.

I have previously said that I was looking for any alternative to HRT and I was open to anything. It was not cheap. I bought it in Boots and paid £28.49. I have established that anything that involves being a woman, our monthly cycle and going through 'the change' all cost. That is anything from tampons, pads, vitamins and even those things that none of us women of a certain age ever talk about . . . the dreaded Tena's!!

Here is another one of those Tessa Moment's that is not quite as embarrassing as the The time I lost my Fitbit!!

If you have not come across one of these items or have decided to read the articles that I have linked to the post later, then you may not realise where you 'wear' the Ladycare magnet. It is worn in your knickers as the lovely picture shows. The idea is to wear it 24/7. I think that I managed to wear it for no more than a week because things kept happening to me!!

Where I work there is a hatch or window that enables students and other members of staff to talk to us in our office area. On the side of the hatch that you would stand and talk to the others in the office is a radiator. This is lovely in the winter and is often a great place to stand and warm your hands!

On my first day of wearing the magnet I was wearing what I classed as a standard fitting dress. I was very aware that if you knew I was wearing the magnet that you could see it but I was assured by colleagues than unless I pointed it out no-one else would ever know. . . really?! I think that they were just trying to be nice!! 

As I went about my normal day I passed by the hatch to ask a colleague something and heard a 'clink'. I had somehow got myself attached to the radiator! Oh no, the magnet!! We all had a little bit of a laugh at my expense and I carried on with my day. I suppose that was fine as I was in the relative safety of 'friends'.

I had two other occasions which made me decide that I could NEVER wear the magnet again. They both occurred in two separate supermarkets! What you have to remember is that the magnet is strategically placed at the top of your pubic bone and at your front! If it was at the back I doubt that anyone would be presented with the problems that I did!

Are you wondering where and how I got myself attached in a supermarket or have you worked it out? The edges of the conveyor belt at supermarket checkouts are metal! Not really an issue when you are loading your shopping onto the belt but the problem occurs when you lean over and get the 'Next customer' sign. The edge of the checkout for a 5'6 woman is at about pubic bone height! I was doing what we all do, going about my regular business, and then I found myself attached to the checkout! You hear yourself becoming attached and have to prise yourself away. . . hope that no-one around you has noticed and pretend that it didn't really happen!

On one of the occasions when in Sainsbury's I was able to tell the till assistant and have a laugh and joke with her as I know her very well but let me assure you than the next time it happened in Tesco's  I vowed that no matter how bad my perimenopausal symptoms were I would not be wearing the magnet again!

Let me not even go into the fact that I am a single woman and having to explain what my Fitbit, attached to my bra is for, to the uninformed. Imagine trying to explain a purple magnet attached to my knickers!!

Niggles: slight but persistent discomfort

I have been actively walking for over a year. What I discovered very early on is that good footwear is a must and that has taken some time to find.

Sketchers do some amazing shoes called Go Walks which are like wearing a pair of slippers. The first pair that I owned I wore a hole in within the first six weeks; I don't think that they are meant for someone who was doing as much walking as me! The second pair that I bought were Go Walks III; Sketchers seemed to have looked at the sole on this model and made it more substantial.

I'm still not 100% sure that they are actually manufactured for someone who was averaging 10,000 steps a day. I have also come to realise that I am getting older and that my body does not do what it used to do; it takes longer to recover and can't do some of the things that I used to take for granted when I was even 10 years younger than I am now!

I have been doing approximately 8 miles on a Saturday and Sunday as a planned walk with friends. Sometimes I walked on my own and sometimes it was with a group of 5 or 6 people. When the clocks changed I dropped the Saturday walks as they were an afternoon walk. 

My right ankle started to hurt after the walks, which then affected my right knee and my right hip. I actually think my right hip was the thing that first started to ache. I have noticed that if I am carrying any extra weight then this hip hurts. The knee and ankle pain were probably as a result of walking to compensate for that hip. Google and You Tube are great places to help you out when you've got things that may be wrong with you. Stretching was probably the main bit of advice that I took from everything that I was reading. I have realised that I have tight calf muscles. I wasn't sure why but that I have also recently worked out why; we'll come to that later!

The Christmas holidays came and I knew that with the New Year I would be starting to think seriously about the #MoonwalkLondon2016. Nina Barough is the founder of Walk the Walk and suggested a couple of pairs of shoes that would be good for the job. One day between Christmas and New Year I made my way to Go Outdoors in search of the perfect pair of walking shoes for me. I ended up buying a pair of Salomon's; not for anyone looking for a fashionable shoe but definitely someone looking to do a power walk!

I have worn shoes for walking that have given me blisters, even a pair of Sketchers did this. Admittedly they weren't a pair of Go Walks! My first walk in my new Salomon's was an 8-miler; go hard or go home!! Amazingly, no blisters and the pain that I had had in my right ankle and knee had gone after one walk in these shoes. Wow!

I had, up until two years ago, never suffered an injury related to exercise. When people that I knew did I really didn't have any sympathy; well surely they had brought it on themselves by exercising?!? That changed after I damaged my right shoulder mis-handling a 20kg kettlebell. I know what frustration is not being able to do something that you actually like doing because you have injured yourself.

The third walk that I did in my new shoes was a 10 mile walk; about 2 miles from home I started to get a pain in my left heel. I couldn't explain it; it was just a niggle. It didn't put me off and I still continued to walk the mile to and from work every day. Two weeks later, having done two more 10 mile Sunday walks, I had difficulty weight bearing on my left heel. Interestingly, I walk to work in flat shoes and then when I get to work I put a pair of heels on. The heels actually made the pain in my heel not so bad. I did some research on, again, Google and discovered that I most definitely had plantar fasciitis. The following link is one of several that gives lots of information on plantar fasciitis; http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/heel-pain/Pages/Introduction.aspx

I wear heels every day at work and I am really considering that whilst I am in training I need to wear flat shoes. My ageing body does not appear to be coping with the miles that I am doing, a regular day at work, going for a walk at lunchtime in heels and everyday body stresses.

Knowing what you may have and then finding some treatments that might work also involved the internet; this time You Tube. I watched two great videos; one by Dr. Josh Axe and the other by Dr. Scott A Mills, both gave some great advice which I have followed for the last two weeks. I now take a magnesium supplement; interestingly I had this already as it was something that I tried to combat my perimenopausal symptoms but I kept forgetting to take it! I had also previously bought some massage balls which I had used on my ankle. I now use the hard ball every morning before I get out of bed and I take the magnesium supplement every night when I go to bed.

I cannot tell you what an overnight success the magnesium supplement was. I woke up the following morning for the first time in two weeks without any pain. The following week was great. I was on half-term and wore either no shoes, flipflops or flats all week even managing a couple of long walks. The pain was getting less and less. 

A week back at work, wearing heels 3 out of 5 days has had a significant impact on the plantar fasciitis. What I have realised is that I have tight calf muscles and ankles plus the plantar injury; most probably caused by wearing heels and shortening my calf muscles! Hence, the real thought that whilst I am in training I need to wear flats to work. Stretching is something that Nina Barough strongly recommends and I totally get why!

I am not complaining. Part of training is just that; training for the endurance and to remind myself that the niggles are just niggles. I am doing this, foremost, to raise money for Breast Cancer based on the scare that I had last year. The little niggles and small amount of pain are part of the journey and the reminder that this is nothing compared to what others are going through, affected by cancer, on a daily basis. Once I stop doing what I am doing the pain will, hopefully, go away. Others are not so lucky; people close to me have loved ones who are going through daily battles with one form of cancer or another.

Symptom 23 - Headaches

Symptom 23 - Headaches

I wonder if the list has any order?!

So another of the main perimenopause symptoms that I get are headaches. I think that I know when I get them and then my body does a u-turn and changes it . . . what is that all about?! I log when I get them on my WomanLog app.

Unfortunately they regularly turn into migraines and as a result I am unable to go to work. At one time I thought that I was losing a day a month but the reality is more likely one day in every three months; still not good.

I like this picture as it really does sum up a migraine; for those that get them, no-one gets migraines the same as others. Well that's my experience!

I have to catch mine early by taking ibuprofen and a paracetamol, aspirin and caffeine tablet, together! If I do then I can almost definitely make it into work but I have been known to not last the day. If I don't, well that's a different story!

When I went to the doctor in April, with my list of symptoms, my migraines were at the top of the list. I have been known to have headaches for three to four consecutive days; the worst recently being a five day stretch.  

The doctor gave me a prescription for some 'magic' pills; I only get six per prescription so I use them sparingly. So sparingly, in fact, that the first time I should have taken one I was 'frightened' to do so! I have no rational explanation for why I didn't take a pill prescribed by the doctor but let's just say I was worried by what effect it might have on me. Stupid eh?!

I should take one pill the moment I feel the migraine coming on; I get eye ache, that's when I know that I am getting a migraine. I can then take another two hours later. Having got over the initial worry I gave in and can confirm that, for me, they work! What usually happens is that I take the first one and then sleep. I wake up just around the two hour mark and the take the next one and, usually, sleep again! Sleeping works; the problem with 'normal' pain relief is that I really struggle to get to sleep. The only problem that I have been aware of with these pills is that after the sleep I generally feel 'great' for a couple of hours, think that I am a superwoman and do things I shouldn't, then I 'crash'! I possibly need to learn! 

The 'magic' pills haven't always worked, in fact I had the worst migraine that I've had in about nine months approximately six weeks ago. If I take both of the 'magic' pills I am not allowed to take any more of them for twenty-four hours. I have not taken any of my 'normal' pills when I have used the 'magic' ones but with this migraine I had to as nothing else was working. I will say that the 'edge' had been taken off by the doctor's pills but taking my regular ones helped finally get rid of it.

I would say that I have questioned why it was so bad on that particular day and I have come to the conclusion that it may have something to do with what I'd eaten that week. If you haven't read my post, Routines . . ., then please do! I have to say that I had fresh bread and cheese three days before and on the day before I got the migraine! After a discussion with my mum, she said that my dad had very bad migraines in his forties and that he had cut cheese out of his diet almost completely and that the migraines had effectively disappeared (maybe dad was going through some perimenopausal symptoms to be in tune with mum?!).

I am trying to manage my symptoms naturally and food is on my list of things to look at. When my birds have flown the nest and I have all this time on my hands (!) I am going to sit and read two cookbooks that I have bought; Eat.Nourish.Glow. by Amelia Freer and Deliciously Ella by Ella Woodward. Both of these advocate going sugar and gluten free. I am going to read them, decide if it's something that I can and want to do and go from there. I'll keep you posted on that one!