What a journey!

Did you ever make plans, stick to them, then life happens and gets in the way and you have to re-evaluate those plans?

Let me reassure you that you are not the only one!

I started on this blog journey just over three years ago. I had stopped being a WeightWatchers leader (now known as WW Coach) and hoped that others could read  a little bit of me and see my daily struggles as theirs might also be.

I love the illustration that I have put on this post; you set your plans out and life sometimes throws great big valleys in the way. You end up travelling much further on your journey than going the straight route!

This is how my life has been for well over two years.

Two years ago I completed the 50km Thames Path Challenge, as a walk. Four months previously I'd completed the Moonwalk, for those reading outside England, this is not a Michael Jackson dance but a 26.2 mile overnight power walk around London. This I completed in just over 7 hours. Some feat! It would be fair to say that I had really enjoyed training for the Moonwalk but afterwards I 'crashed' and my passion and desire for walking, or indeed any exercise, died.

At the beginning of September I decided that my lifestyle needed a kick up the backside! I've got happy and content in my relationship and taking time for me seemed to have dropped off the radar. To put this in some context, two years ago I was happily a UK dress size 8/10 and had become a size 14/16. Some might say, 'I'd love to be a size 14!', but I have always maintained that weight and dress size are about what you are comfortable with. I did not like being a size 14, bordering on a size 16. From a weight perspective I would say that six weeks ago I weighed 56 pounds more than I did at my lowest weight, which was in February 2012. That weight is too low for me now, to be fair it was then too! As I approach my fiftieth birthday, in less than six months, I know where I need to be plus I am now loved by a man who accepts me for who I am and just wants me to be happy with me.

My best friend told him, when she first met him, that I was driven and that nothing would stand in my way when I made a decision, about weight loss. For as long as I have known her I have mostly been single; therefore the only person that I needed to worry about was me. Okay, I did have two teenagers but meal planning was done around them and it worked well for the best part of seven years!

I have always maintained that for me to be in control of my weight management, I have to plan and track what I eat. Taking time for me included planning meals and taking time to exercise. Because walking had been my 'go to' exercise, for so long, that's what I went back to. On Sunday 2 September I went for a walk. I walked for an hour. My ankles, which have started to become a real issue since peri-menopause, ached so badly that at times I could have sat down and cried. One of my knees, which has also been causing me problems, was also an issue. I felt very deflated by the whole experience.

I have had my gym membership for over a year and been failing to use it, like so many people, I guess! Feeling as I did, I knew that going into the gym would be a problem but it has a swimming pool so I decided that was where I would start. 30 minutes swimming can and would be as good as any 30 minutes that I could do on a treadmill, and let me tell you I'd never be able to run for 30 minutes on a treadmill!!

So, six weeks on. My meals are planned and tracked, on a weekly basis. Exercise, swimming, is planned every week; I try to go three times a week but sometimes it's only twice. I am 12 pounds down. We ALL want to lose weight quickly, but the correct journey would be slow and steady wins the race 😊When I started back on the correct path it was 16 weeks until Christmas and 16 weeks until my wedding! The plan had been to lose 14 pounds (1 stone) by then. That was realistic; understanding that I now live with someone and I cannot be as 'in control' as I was when I was single! Obviously, as I am nearly at that goal and we still have another 10 weeks to go the new goal is 21 pounds. If I lose much more than that then my wedding dress will need altering!

Back to the illustration; in July 2011 I started what I planned would be my FINAL journey with weight loss. For five plus years I managed to keep on a fairly straight path but the last two years have been more like the second picture; getting stuck in the water and not being able to get out, or stuck in that valley and not being tall enough to reach the ladder to climb out. YOU HAVE TO BE MOTIVATED! Yes, my motivation is my own wedding. I am also not saying that it is easy because temptation comes in many forms but sometimes it just takes doing something. 

Preparation is key; without it life is just so much more difficult. The journey will throw many obstacles in your way. Some you may sit on for a while, some may push you backwards but the key is just to carry on this journey through life.

Post Moonwalk blues

I have been silent for a while but during this time I have partially written three blogs but for one reason or another I have not posted them!

I last wrote on my blog on 6 June 2016, around six weeks after I had completed the Moonwalk; I thought that I had learnt a thing or two and would be able to change some things that were going wrong. Another six weeks on and I am still not there but I have learnt some more things along the way that I wanted to share and hope that it may give a 'light bulb' moment for someone, if not it will just be a good read!

WeightWatchers offers something to me that I know that I need; it isn't for everyone but it's good for me. So, what is that? Well, it's the support of a group of people who are all trying to achieve the same thing with a group leader who also has had, or continues to have, the same struggles as everyone in that group. WeightWatchers was founded on this principle over 50 years ago. I need to remind myself that part of that is to take time for yourself, setting aside that hour a week to go to a meeting and not let other things get in the way. . . 

The last time that I attended a meeting, which was about seven weeks ago, we were asked to look at ourselves and think about five things that are pretty cool about us. I know that almost everyone in the room probably looked at the floor and hoped that the leader did not ask us. She must have known this and told us to go away and think about it after first discussing that we are often times our own worst critic and that if we were to ask that question of our friends and family they would probably be able to reel off a whole list of things about us. The idea of coming up with five cool things about us was to try and change our attitude. Most of us who struggle with weight have most probably not got the best attitude when it comes to ourselves. I, for one, would, more often than not, overthink the answers and really struggle to come up with something. After trying not to do that I managed to come up with five;

1. I'm a loyal friend
2. I have a wicked laugh
3. I have beautiful eyes
4. I can talk for ever!
5. I make an amazing Bolognese sauce!

I am not really sure that these are actually cool things but heyho I came up with five things that are me and that I am proud of! Positive thinking will get you to where you want to be. I must remember to be kind to myself.

The next life lesson was much harder to deal with and acknowledge but I have learnt a new word because of it, although I'm not sure how much I will use it or even if it actually refers to me! In my last blog You're never too old to learn I stated that my competitiveness was causing me a problem. Having thought about this some more I realised that it had also had a huge impact on a major relationship in my life. The word that I have is atelophobia; the fear of imperfection, of not being good enough.

Now I am not saying that I have a phobia but what I am saying is that I recognise that thinking I am not good enough has often held me back. I have spent years sabotaging all sorts of things in my life; food being the major one.

I will not go into the whys and wherefores for where I think this comes from. What I do know is that knowledge is power. The realisation that I had was empowering; this just adds to that. What I have to do is shift how I view myself and stop thinking that I am not good enough. I AM good enough. This says it perfectly;

I do NOT need anyone to validate me; I am already valuable. 

This phrase may need to be repeated and repeated and repeated until I believe it but once I do then who knows what mountains I can climb and what heights I can soar. 

At the beginning of the year I had a plan, a focus; I knew exactly where I wanted to be and what my goals were. Unfortunately, I did not think past the 14th May! I should have known that once a goal had been realised that I might struggle; others around me did. I have spent the last twelve weeks in a post Moonwalk blues faze, beating myself up, trying to get myself out of a hole and not really knowing how to or why I was in it. I watched a programme, Bradley Wiggins 'Road to Rio', the other night and some things that were said resonated with me. After Bradley had won the Tour de France, in 2012, and then won a gold medal two weeks later at the London Olympics he suffered with depression for the best part of a year. He didn't know what to do or whether he wanted to even get back on a bike. Elated after completing the Moonwalk and knowing that I had power walked 26.2 miles, an achievement in itself, an opportunity arose to take part in another challenge The Thames Path Challenge. A 50km (31 mile) walk, also to raise funds for Walk the Walk. I did give it some thought, but maybe not as much as I should have, and signed up to take part in this event. It takes place on 10th September . . . loads of time to get back into the swing of walking! Yeh right! I set myself up with a new training plan for thirteen weeks and started it on Monday 5 June. I managed to stick to it for two weeks but since then it has gone slightly awry. Watching this Bradley Wiggins programme hit me smack in the face with the fact that I had the Moonwalk blues. It totally makes sense why I have found it difficult to motivate myself to walk but something needs to change as the Thames Path Challenge takes place in just over six weeks and I need to pull myself together.

I have learnt several lessons over the last twelve weeks and now just need to put them into practise. Understand that the only person that I need to be good enough for is me and that I AM good enough.

Maya Angelou once said, 'Success is liking yourself. Liking what you do and liking how you do it.'  I can genuinely say that ten years ago I did not like who I was but I have done a lot of work over that time to change that. I thought that I was there but this year has again proved that I have something to learn and things to change. That will not be easy. It has taken 47 years to get here but we are all a work in progress and learning is part of life. . . 

You're never too old to learn

Is there anything holding you back? Indeed, have you ever asked yourself this question or even contemplated it? 

I have known for as long as I can remember that I am competitive; it's in my genes! My mother is one of five and has four brothers. My father is the middle child of three with a younger brother; I know how competitive they both were! When playing any type of game with a non family member we used to have to tell them the 'Stephen' rules; I'm sure that my father changed the rules of every game so that he had a chance of winning! He would obviously deny this but there would be that cheeky grin and glint in his eye. . .

So, where am I going with this? For the last six weeks or so I have been going backwards. This is in relation to my overall health and well-being. I know exactly where I have been going wrong and I now exactly what to do to put it right but still I wasn't doing it. This is because I had no idea why I was. I went to my WeightWatchers meeting on Thursday night and, if I am honest, I was looking for some inspiration. For those who are new to this blog I was, until this time last year, a WeightWatchers leader. Therefore, I should know near enough everything that there is to know but here comes the bit about learning something new every day. Several things were said during the meeting. The journey that I take to the meeting is approximately thirty minutes. I, therefore, had my thirty minute drive home to contemplate the why? question. I am someone who reflects and wants to learn from things that I do and the answer that I found was not necessarily the easiest one.

I have said that I am competitive. I think that this is not a bad character trait but there are weaknesses to being competitive and how you use it. Some people who are competitive will want to win at all costs; to be the best and maybe to succeed at everything they do, maybe not caring for who gets in their way. I am most definitely not this type of person but I have identified that my competitive streak has been causing me some problems of late. I was a little bit taken aback but have since realised that I have seen this in at least one of my sons, so why am I surprised?!

So, I'll go back to my original question; Is there anything holding you back? I was so nearly where I wanted to be with both my weight and fitness so what has been holding me back? Since doing the Moonwalk, and maybe not realising or dealing with the psychological impact that this would have on me, I have been sabotaging. I have known that I was doing it but as I have said I didn't know why. The answer is my competitiveness. Due to eating really poorly, and some other life changes, I have not been able to do some of the things that were coming very naturally to me; complete a Kettlercise class with an 8kg kettlebell, walk at the pace that I was before the Moonwalk. Now this is almost definitely down to the crap that I have been putting in my body but the impact that being competitive has had on me has been a difficult one to come to terms with. As I have got weaker I have not been able to compete with the girls that I go to Kettlercise with or the friend that I walk with. The way my brain has been working is to shut down; to say if you can't be the best then don't compete at all!

This is what has been holding me back for the last six weeks! Now I have worked that out how do I go about changing my mental attitude? For me that is to take time for myself. Although some would describe me as the life and soul of the party I actually like solitude and my own company. I need to build my own self-confidence back up; believe in myself again and stop comparing myself to others. 

I have decided that for a while I will be walking on my own. I can sort my world out in my head by giving myself a good talking to; something that I don't do when I walk with my friend. She thinks that she's upset my apple cart but the reality is far from it. I have had to come face to face with something that has probably been happening for a great number of years but I didn't know it. Now I do I can manage it.

My mantra; everything happens for a reason, good or bad. At 47 I have learnt a life lesson that I probably should have learnt over 35 years ago but maybe then and before now I wasn't ready or equipped to handle it.

As an added note, whilst sitting writing this blog, my Facebook memories pinged on my phone. On this day last year I shared this picture. Now, I totally understand it and will keep reminding myself!

To my walking friend, it won't be long before I am staring at your bum again!!

Carb loading

Anyone reading this and looking for advice on training better stop now! This post is about a confession . . . some know this about me already and others will just come to know that this is all part of Tessa's Moments! The picture is so apt . . . 

I started 2016 with a mission; to lose the (approx) 21 pounds that I had put on since stopping being a WeightWatchers leader and complete my first ever London Moonwalk. I think that I have said before that I am most definitely someone who likes a plan, someone who likes structure and order.

All was good, by my birthday 13 weeks into the year, I had lost a total of 15 pounds. At one point I was only half a pound away from losing 10% of my starting weight; a real weight loss goal. That is no longer the case! So, what happened?!

Training for the Moonwalk properly started on Sunday 21 February with a 3 mile walk. I would say at this point that I had been used to doing an 8/10 mile walk each weekend. Sometimes fairly pacey other times a slow walk chatting with friends. All was going great until I started doing longer distances. The weekend that I walked 14 miles was a real killer; I ended up in bed for the rest of the day and would say that my body was in shock. I can't quite describe what it was going through but would suggest that I was in some sort of diabetic hypo state, without being a diabetic. I realised at this point that I really needed to look at how I was fueling my body before, during and after the long walks.

I had a sit down with my PT and she talked a lot of science to me; all things that I could totally understand. The next 5 weeks training were then great as I established how to fuel my body correctly for what I now know is an endurance event but before this hadn't really thought about what I was doing or realistically how long it would take to do. Okay, that is not true either! I knew that I wanted to complete the Moonwalk in 6.5 hours but that was just a number not an understanding of how long that actually is!

During the 12 weeks training I was still following WeightWatchers SmartPoints but I had started to do something that I know is something that I do . . . cheat! How was I cheating? Well, over the last 5 years when I have followed any WeightWatchers plan to the letter, there are two things that I have always done very well and effectively; I have mentioned these two things in a post before and they are planning and tracking everything that I eat. It works! When I don't do it, it doesn't work!

I remember years ago watching a programme where someone talked about trigger foods. What is your trigger food? The food that is your go to that then maybe leads you down a slippery path to eating whatever you want and then saying stuff the diet I'm going to just keep going!

For me, that trigger food has never changed. It has always been the same and is BREAD. I cannot have a fresh loaf of bread in my house as I would just eat the whole thing. When I buy a loaf of bread it has to go straight into the freezer. It takes time to defrost a piece of bread and by that time maybe the effort or thought of taking it out of the freezer will have kicked in and it will stop me eating the bread! MAYBE!

I was earning on average about 150 FitPoints a week from my walking, and other exercise. The new guidelines from WeightWatchers are not to use any FitPoints that you have earned. This is something that I would have done in the past anyway. What is the point in increasing your activity and then eating anything that you have earned; it defeats the object of trying to lose weight!

So, back to how I had started to cheat. BREAD! I have regularly been someone who eats when I am bored, not because I am actually hungry! I would regularly have 2 pieces of bread, with spread and marmite on them each night. My brain would not stop me taking them out of the freezer because I would tell myself that it was okay as I was doing all this exercise! The scales were still moving too, so I wasn't doing that much damage was I?

After the Moonwalk was over I will admit to crashing; I have said that it felt a little bit like jet lag. I couldn't be bothered to cook and although I was till planning all of my meals when it came to eating my evening meal I had no desire to cook. In the last 3 weeks I have lost count of the amount of tiger loaves that I have bought . . . and consumed! I have carb loaded the wrong way round! I feel sluggish. I most definitely don't have the energy that I had previously.

I have also not been accountable to anyone. Due to one thing or another I have only been to my WeightWatchers meeting once in the last 4 weeks. That weigh in was not a pretty site! I KNOW that I have to go . . . and stay to the meetings. I know what to do. I also know where I have been going wrong but we all need some help and to be reminded.

Yesterday, I stepped back onto the train. The journey has started, yet again! I went for a 6 mile walk, which I enjoyed and did not see as a must. My food is tracked and planned and I have asked for support  . . . something that I don't often do.

I have written this post, put it out there and saying Tessa's Moments are on the move . . . again!

I think I'm ill!

So it is 15 days since I took part in my first ever London Moonwalk; I managed to complete it in 7 hours 6 minutes, slower than the 6.5 hours I’d hoped but not surprising if you bear in mind the crowds of 15000+ women (and a few men)! I had been warned that the first 4 miles would be slow with bottlenecks of queues and it was painfully slow, at times, plus also having to keep to pavements and wait for traffic lights to change, as the roads weren’t closed for us. I had a pavement encounter at approximately 4 miles, tripping over a kerb! I walk with a bottle of water in each hand, to help swing my arms (the best technique for power walking!) and I was wearing my gloves, at the time, so I didn't damage anything too badly, although my right wrist was painful for some time afterwards and I was ever so slightly embarrassed that I had tripped up! I was told by a colleague at work that his mum had taken part this year and at 6 miles she tripped on some steps, split her head open and suffered concussion; fortunately I had no lasting effects over my trip. In the last 3 miles I started to feel the pain, in my ankles and lower back. The last 2 miles were the worst; I'm not sure how I managed to keep going and most definitely know that it is a mind over matter thing and I kept telling myself 'one foot in front of the other, you're nearly there!'


At about 23 miles I said to my walking partner, Debbie, 'this is a once in a lifetime experience and I am NEVER doing this again!'. I had thought that I would see how this year went and then plan to do it every year, up to and including my 50th birthday year; so that's another 3 times! At about 25 miles she agreed that she would never be doing it again either!

We crossed the finishing line, were rewarded with our medal and literally found ourselves a spot on the grass and somehow managed to get ourselves onto the floor. (If we could have giggled we would have, but we were just too tired!) Tops on, as
we were both starting to feel cold, laid down, took some selfies and then did not move for about 10 minutes!

The next challenge was to get up, move and get ourselves across London back to Kings Cross for the journey home. We really couldn’t face the walk to the tube but how we managed to get into a taxi back to Kings Cross I’ll never know - I’m sure the people watching us had a giggle and I think we practically fell out the other end!

We finally got home around 10am on Sunday. I'd had a thought in my head for about 6 weeks about what I was going to have for breakfast! As we burnt in excess of 3000 calories we would surely be allowed a treat! The image that had got me through some difficult training walks was that I was going to treat myself to an amazing breakfast! Not what everyone would have chosen but I had decided that I was having a McDonald's breakfast; but my name is Tessa Jane and I don't do things by halves! I'd decided that I was going to have two Double Sausage and Egg McMuffins and FOUR hash browns! Did that happen?! NO! I could not face anything to eat. I am not sure if that was a combination of being tired and being so cold; I have never been so cold and that lasted through until at least the Monday evening.

Being at work for that week was a struggle; I felt like I had jet lag, emotionally and physically drained. Well, I suppose that I had been in training for over 12 weeks for that one night and then it came to an end.

By lunchtime on the following day we had both decided that we had forgotten how we felt at 23 and 25 miles and that we were contemplating doing it again next year! By the time that Thursday arrived, the day that registration opened for next year's Moonwalk, we had both definitely decided that we were going to complete the Moonwalk again and sooner rather than later. We are signed up for Saturday 13 May 2017! It's obviously a little like child birth -  you forget the pain really quickly and only remember the triumph!

So, I think that I am ill or I've got a bug of some kind. Debbie had started looking for further challenges BEFORE we had even completed the Moonwalk. I had already told her that she was slightly mad and that we needed to get through the 26 miles and the night before thinking about anything else! I am someone who believes that everything happens for a reason. Yesterday we went for an 8 mile walk, the first walk that we have done since completing the Moonwalk. I will be honest and say that I found it really hard going. I didn't feel great; it does have to be said that I had an upset tummy and have been suffering with a cold and sore throat for a couple of days. We did complete the walk and at an okay pace, not our usual pace though!

Whilst out on the walk I received a message offering me a hotel room for the night before the Thames Path Challenge. A friend and her daughter, who were doing it for Walk the Walk, have had to pull out and as she knew that Debbie and I were thinking about it, she was offering us their hotel room for the night before the challenge.

I now have a 24/48 hour rule, embedded into me by my boss; don't do anything or say anything for 24/48 hours. If it is still important or worth saying/doing 24/48 hours later then do it, if it isn't then don't. Simple really!

24 hours on and I have found a solution around one of the stumbling blocks. So we are going for it! The Thames Path Challenge that we will be completing, this year (!), is 50km, approx 31 miles. The one that we are doing is a day challenge, starting at 8 am on Saturday 10 September. The beauty of this challenge for me is a time factor. I will have near enough the whole of August off work and will be able to dedicate some time to completing some long distances and maybe getting my speed up, although my walking and competitive partner may not be able to walk with me all the time so that may not be the case!

As my mother said to me a while ago, 'but you don't like walking!'. This is why I think that I must be ill or have a bug -  the walking bug. Let's hope that at 47 this is a phase that will pass!

I'll keep you posted on if I reach nutter status . . . it is in my genes and I think my father was around this age when he started to do some quite unconventional things!