I did something!

Three weeks ago today my best friend got married. So. . . . I did something that I said that I would never do!

If you've ever read any of my blogs you will know that I have struggled with my weight. Indeed, this blog came off the back of me stopping being a WeightWatchers (WW) leader and posting blogs that would hopefully encourage those that I met along that journey, and anyone else who stumbles upon this blog!

Let's get back to where we were! Since the beginning of 2020 I have tried to lose weight. During this time, I followed the WW plan with an online subscription. Having had some success and then slipping and putting the lost weight back on again I knew that I needed to change some things.

In July 2023, I had around 13 months to lose weight and keep it off for my best friend's wedding.

The thing for me with losing weight (and keeping it off) is that I know that I need to be accountable to someone, other than myself. I have tried having a weekly check-in with someone else but that hasn't worked! I know, for me, that I need to go to a 'slimming' class; be part of a group of people who are trying to achieve the same thing. With that in mind I set about looking for a WW meeting. The pandemic has not been kind to WW meetings in my area. When looking at the WW website, my nearest evening meeting was more than 20 miles away; that's a massive commitment and not something that I was prepared to do.

I had to look at the 'competition' - Slimming World! 

I have always maintained that I could and would never go to a Slimming World meeting because they use the word 'syn'. How can food be given such a negative word? And how can you eat as much pasta and rice as you want? All of these are the snippets that I have picked up on those that have been members of Slimming World or indeed from WW leaders meetings! But needs must, especially as there was a meeting within 5 miles of my front door and a mile away from where I work.

With a certain amount of trepidation on Thursday 17 July 2023, I stepped through the door of a village hall into a different world; a Slimming World (SW)! 

As you may have previously read, I have followed different incarnations of WW since the 1990's and propoints worked for me when I got to my goal weight in December 2011.

I sat through the introduction, already different from WW, as that would have been done at the end of the meeting. Lots of different things to take in; healthy extra A's (Calcium) and healthy extra B's (Fibre), free food and speed food! I then sat in the meeting. The meeting was being covered by someone other than the regular consultant and as we were right slap bang in the 'holiday' period the meeting wasn't that busy. All of this was great for me; a gentle slide in to the Slimming World way!

I needed/wanted to lose around 2 1/2 stone (35 pounds). This would have me at the top end of my healthy BMI for my height. We won't discuss BMI as we all know that it can be wildly inaccurate, but it is one measure of 'healthy' weight. I am not a 6'5" rugby player with loads of muscle; I am a mid-50's, average height woman whose BMI on 17 July 2023 was 30.7, which classed me as obese.

I am aware that some can lose huge amounts of weight following the Slimming World plan, especially in the early weeks. I have never had significant weekly weight losses and certainly didn't expect it.

I had a food diary (homework, as I called it!) to complete each week for the first four weeks, to be handed in to the consultant for checking. A new one for me, but one that I liked. There was some of the accountability. I lost 2.5 lbs the first week, which I was more than happy with. The second week was 1/2 lb and I had one of those moments! I was asked how I felt about that by the consultant and being honest I wasn't happy. What then happened felt like an attack but was actually other members trying to be really helpful but I was like a rabbit caught in the headlights over what I was and wasn't eating!

Over a year on, I can look back at that moment and laugh. I had SO much to learn (and unlearn!). For a start 'syns' are not what I thought they were! I can honestly say that if I look back at my eating habits, prior to SW, they weren't great. Who remembers the crumpets?! Fruit? What was that? I'd be lucky if I ate a banana a day and again, if I'm truly honest, I would probably only have 3 portions of fruit and veg, some day none! Certainly no where near the recommended 5 a day! I don't have milk in tea, or indeed drink milk, so to have the healthy extra A's added into my diet has been great. I'm now getting the calcium that I wasn't. That's got to be a good thing!

It has taken me nearly fourteen months to lose that 2 1/2 stone. The last 7lbs has taken FOREVER but I know why. I have been 'playing', not truly following the plan, 'cheating' here and there and getting away with it. If I hadn't been paying to stand on someone else's scales then I would have possibly quit and put weight back on BUT I didn't. I also had a goal that I needed to get to; my best friend's wedding!

As I said her wedding was three weeks ago. It was a fantastic day. Although I wasn't at my desired weight, I was very close! The dress that I bought back in January looked great. I was very happy that she got married to her one.

After the wedding, I reset. The event that I'd been aiming for was over and I wanted to make sure that I got to the target that I had set all those months ago. I've been working towards this goal for so long. I had to remind myself the effort that it has taken to get here. Last night, I FINALLY got there! My BMI is now 24.7, so I am therefore in my healthy weight range for my height. 

Now I have to live with the weight loss that I have achieved. Learn how to maintain that the Slimming World way, 'cos that's new. Part of that action plan is to introduce some more exercise, to help tone up and also to help towards maintaining the weight loss.

The hardest part has been done. I am now back to a weight that I was in June 2016, post the Moonwalk. That's 8 years ago! My life has changed significantly in that time, which I'd never have predicted back then. 

I now need to embrace all that . . . love myself and move forward.

A moment in time

In the blink of an eye 10 years have gone by. On this day, 10 years ago, I reached my WW Goal weight. I'd been on a mission, I had a wedding that I was going to and it took me 5 months to reach my goal. 

We all know what a strange year 2020 was for the whole world and and as we head towards the end of 2021 we are still not out of the woods with COVID-19. 

On 1st January 2020 I was in a great place; my first granchild was just over two weeks old, our business was moving in a direction that we wanted it to and I had decided that I needed to take control of my eating. We were away on holiday so, new year's resolutions aside, I knew that I would not be making any real changes until we got home. 

I stood on the scales on 4th January 2020 and I was 4 stone (56 pounds) over my WW goal weight. A weight that I had not seen in over 20 years and way above where I'd started on that journey 8/9 years previously. As I have said in previous posts I am unsure whether, as I have got older, this goal weight is realistic, but that is something that did not need thinking about at this time! What needed to be thought about was that control was gone and I needed to gain some back!

I always do better staying in control when I have a target. At the start of 2020 this was a 50th Wedding Anniversary party in mid March; this was cancelled with the imminent threat that COVID-19 presented. As we went into the first UK Lockdown on 23 March I had managed to lose 14 pounds; not bad for 11 weeks, a steady one pound a week loss.

I have read many varied accounts about people taking control of their lives and those who lost all control during the various lockdowns that we had. I very firmly fall into the latter camp! Running your own business, not being able to operate that business and wondering if it will still be viable were all things that put an end to any of the good 'gains' that I had made. Coupled with not being able to see family and friends, being able to touch and hug, all added to firmly losing control; not just of food but of many things.

I started, again, in January 2021 determined that as I approached the age of 52 I would take back control. I did make it to my birthday (2 April) but I was hit with an unexpected wall in mid April. My focus was needed elsewhere. As many who struggle with weight loss would attest to you have to be selfish and it is very easy to put everyone before you. Once a mother, always a mother and when your child needs you, even as an adult, you do everything you can to help.

In mid October, I watched Davina McCall: Sex, Myths and Menopause. I had recorded it when it first aired on Channel 4 on 12 May but had wanted to watch it with my husband and had not been in a place where I could.  For the last 6+ years I have been talking about perimenopause to anyone and everyone who would and wouldn't listen! 

I have previously blogged about the many symptoms of perimenopause and menopause in my blog Trust me! When I wrote that blog in August 2015 I had 18 of the 40 that are on this list. To date, I can say that I have now experienced at least 23. I went to see a GP in April 2015 as my headaches/migraines were so bad. I can't remember when I first went to the GP to talk about my perimenopause symptoms but I cannot believe that in that appointment that I didn't discuss the fact that I knew that they were cyclical and therefore hormone related. At a subsequent appointment with a medical professional I was prescribed anti-depressants. No talk of HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy)! I took these on and off for about 18 months but something didn't feel right. They were masking other issues! I no longer have migraines but other symptoms have taken over! 

October is Menopause month in the UK and Davina McCall, via Instagram, was posting daily symptoms related to menopause and perimenopause. Several posts hit home and one on weight gain grabbed my attention. Davina said, 'I often get asked if hrt makes u lose weight. It doesn't. But, it might give you the energy to want to do something about it.' Another on Electric Shock Syndrome (ESS) made me make a call to my GP. I was experiencing something like this which in the back of my mind was perimenopausal but reading this post confirmed it. My last period was 28th November 2020, so I was on the cusp of that magic year being period free. 

This last year has seen a huge campaign in the UK to dispel some myths around HRT and the get women the support they need whilst going through the menopause.

After a tearful telephone appointment with a female GP she agreed to send me links to some HRT information and an appointment was booked for a week later. At the same time I weighed up my options regarding weight loss. As I have blogged before, I have been following a variant of the WeightWatchers (now WW) since my early 20s. I am aware that many people now follow the Slimming World plan but I CANNOT eat food that makes a 'treat' a 'syn'. I know that it's psychological but I want to be able to eat whatever I want without ever feeling guilty about it.

On Monday 8th November I weighed myself, it had been a while; then I opened the WW app. (The app has never been off my phone in the 7 years since I downloaded it!) Oh no! it's that time of year when WW 'mess' with everything that you know! I do say that with a hint of sarcasm; the WW plan is usually modified every 2 years due to advances in science. I took the quiz and read everything about 'PersonalPoints'. 

Initial thoughts  . . . I can't do this! I looked at this new way for 5 days. Every time I took the questionnaire it changed my daily allowance! If I'm honest I couldn't see that it would work but I needed to do something. What I would say is that having read all the information provided by WW, 'PersonalPoints' is, in my mind, all about planning. Something that I have always advocated and even blogged about before.

I started on HRT on Friday 12th November. I sat and planned all my meals (and snacks) for the following week. Stood on the scales on Saturday 13th November; nearly back to the weight of 4th January 2020, but not quite! 

So, here we are on the 4th December 2021, 10 years after I reached my WW Goal weight! I am 3 weeks into HRT and restarting WW on my own PersonalPoints. I can already tell the difference that HRT has made; little gains like being able to walk down the stairs in the morning without painful ankles. This might actually lead to being able to go for long walks again (fingers crossed!). Something that I used to enjoy but have fallen out of love with. I have dropped 7 pounds. I have gone swimming weekly; little steps! I feel motivated. I have more energy and after speaking to the doctor yesterday I hope that things will only get better; she has suggested that it might take 6/8 weeks for the HRT to really take effect.

HRT may not be for everyone but if you have just a few of the symptoms listed above speak to your doctor. I wish that I had been more forceful 6 years ago.

As I said at the start of this post, I do better when I have something to aim towards. That's a foreign holiday (what's one of those?!) in November 2022. A year to lose and maintain some weight. A year of HRT and let's hope some motivation to start exercising again! 

Here's to my 50's!

What a journey!

Did you ever make plans, stick to them, then life happens and gets in the way and you have to re-evaluate those plans?

Let me reassure you that you are not the only one!

I started on this blog journey just over three years ago. I had stopped being a WeightWatchers leader (now known as WW Coach) and hoped that others could read  a little bit of me and see my daily struggles as theirs might also be.

I love the illustration that I have put on this post; you set your plans out and life sometimes throws great big valleys in the way. You end up travelling much further on your journey than going the straight route!

This is how my life has been for well over two years.

Two years ago I completed the 50km Thames Path Challenge, as a walk. Four months previously I'd completed the Moonwalk, for those reading outside England, this is not a Michael Jackson dance but a 26.2 mile overnight power walk around London. This I completed in just over 7 hours. Some feat! It would be fair to say that I had really enjoyed training for the Moonwalk but afterwards I 'crashed' and my passion and desire for walking, or indeed any exercise, died.

At the beginning of September I decided that my lifestyle needed a kick up the backside! I've got happy and content in my relationship and taking time for me seemed to have dropped off the radar. To put this in some context, two years ago I was happily a UK dress size 8/10 and had become a size 14/16. Some might say, 'I'd love to be a size 14!', but I have always maintained that weight and dress size are about what you are comfortable with. I did not like being a size 14, bordering on a size 16. From a weight perspective I would say that six weeks ago I weighed 56 pounds more than I did at my lowest weight, which was in February 2012. That weight is too low for me now, to be fair it was then too! As I approach my fiftieth birthday, in less than six months, I know where I need to be plus I am now loved by a man who accepts me for who I am and just wants me to be happy with me.

My best friend told him, when she first met him, that I was driven and that nothing would stand in my way when I made a decision, about weight loss. For as long as I have known her I have mostly been single; therefore the only person that I needed to worry about was me. Okay, I did have two teenagers but meal planning was done around them and it worked well for the best part of seven years!

I have always maintained that for me to be in control of my weight management, I have to plan and track what I eat. Taking time for me included planning meals and taking time to exercise. Because walking had been my 'go to' exercise, for so long, that's what I went back to. On Sunday 2 September I went for a walk. I walked for an hour. My ankles, which have started to become a real issue since peri-menopause, ached so badly that at times I could have sat down and cried. One of my knees, which has also been causing me problems, was also an issue. I felt very deflated by the whole experience.

I have had my gym membership for over a year and been failing to use it, like so many people, I guess! Feeling as I did, I knew that going into the gym would be a problem but it has a swimming pool so I decided that was where I would start. 30 minutes swimming can and would be as good as any 30 minutes that I could do on a treadmill, and let me tell you I'd never be able to run for 30 minutes on a treadmill!!

So, six weeks on. My meals are planned and tracked, on a weekly basis. Exercise, swimming, is planned every week; I try to go three times a week but sometimes it's only twice. I am 12 pounds down. We ALL want to lose weight quickly, but the correct journey would be slow and steady wins the race 😊When I started back on the correct path it was 16 weeks until Christmas and 16 weeks until my wedding! The plan had been to lose 14 pounds (1 stone) by then. That was realistic; understanding that I now live with someone and I cannot be as 'in control' as I was when I was single! Obviously, as I am nearly at that goal and we still have another 10 weeks to go the new goal is 21 pounds. If I lose much more than that then my wedding dress will need altering!

Back to the illustration; in July 2011 I started what I planned would be my FINAL journey with weight loss. For five plus years I managed to keep on a fairly straight path but the last two years have been more like the second picture; getting stuck in the water and not being able to get out, or stuck in that valley and not being tall enough to reach the ladder to climb out. YOU HAVE TO BE MOTIVATED! Yes, my motivation is my own wedding. I am also not saying that it is easy because temptation comes in many forms but sometimes it just takes doing something. 

Preparation is key; without it life is just so much more difficult. The journey will throw many obstacles in your way. Some you may sit on for a while, some may push you backwards but the key is just to carry on this journey through life.

Take a deep breath

Have you ever had that feeling, that sometimes you have to take a deep breath and start again? Or New Year, new you?

Food and weight are funny things; one of my brothers would say that we have the fat gene. I am not entirely sure that this is true but I would definitely say that my relationship with food is an interesting thing.

I would say that once you have a weight problem, you always have a weight problem. I recently heard someone say that there was a fat person continually trying to come out of them. For those of you that have followed my blog since I stopped being a WeightWatchers leader, or for those of you that are new to my blog, I just want to remind you that I'm normal!

My previous blog told you how happy I am; there is a side to this that comes at a cost! My man snacks! I can't eat the snacks that he does but guess what, in the year that we've been together he has turned me into a snacker! That is not entirely true or fair to him; haven't you just read that I said once you have a weight problem you always have a weight problem, even if you have shifted that weight?! I am also going to use a word that many people will sigh when reading 'oh, no here she goes again mentioning that word'; peri-menopause!

In the last year I have lost a little weight and gained a whole load more 😒 Is this the fat person trying to get out or is this contentment? My man would say that he doesn't have a problem with where I am so I shouldn't, but I do! I've said it before; I know what to do, I know how to do it and I know the success that can be had. So what to do? The answer may not be the same for all but for me it's about taking control and the start of that is by returning to a WeightWatchers meeting.

This I did last night; faced the horror of the scales . . . and it was a horror. Want to know how horrific? I weighed more than I have in over 10 years. This is really not good but in actual fact I have done the hardest thing for me and possibly for a lot of people and that is to accept where I am, draw a line under it and start again. How many times have I said that? If you read back through Tessa's Moments you will probably find too many times to count! Life is a journey and weight loss is part of that never ending journey for me. Sometimes the fat person gets out and takes over until I reach a point where I don't want to live like that anymore.

My man sees me as a whole person not just about weight, size or how others look at me but I'm not comfortable being the size I currently am. That is what is the most important thing. We should never do things because of what others think of us. Success will never come. We should always do what makes us happy.

Yesterday was Monday, the start of the new working week and although going to my meeting last night and not 'officially' starting until today I had to take back some control before standing on the scales last night! Lunchtimes are a real challenge for me. I use that time to leave work and go for a walk, clear my head and get some fresh air. The problem is that there is a Tescos Extra about half a mile from where I work. Yesterday, and indeed today, have been the first time in over four months that I have managed to go there without buying sweets! I don't do things by halves . . . ever, so we are not talking about one packet or bag. Tescos do 3 for £1.20 and have regular offers on pouch bags; how can one possibly resist?! Well, I have managed for two days! I just need to keep that up and break the bad habit that I have got into. 

I have said this before and will indeed say it again, I'm sure. For me to keep control of my weight I have to track everything that I eat. The beauty of WeightWatchers is that you are given a budget; you stick to that budget. The way to do it, like my bank account, is to keep a track of it! Rule #1: Remind myself that this is what works for me and I have to keep doing it.

So, back to the start of this post; I have taken a deep breath and started again. I am in the final fifteen months of my forties, most of which have been amazing and a real learning experience for me. I need to make sure that the lessons that I have learned in this decade stand me in stead for moving into my fifties and being fit, fabulous and fantastic. The first thing is to regain control of this weight thing!

Is summer really over?

Is summer really over?! Apologies to those of you who are not teachers, or work in a school, or indeed those who DO work in a school but are on a full-time contract; i.e. no time off during the summer holidays (!). If you are a teacher or work in a school then today, Monday 4 September, is likely to have been the first day in a while that the alarm has been set and you've had to think about going in to work!

If my Facebook feed was anything to go by last night then there were a lot of people in my position last night; or have even been having those dreams for some time 😏

What does summer being over mean for me, other than being back at work properly for the first time in five weeks?! Well, the sensible eating plan has most definitely been out the window. As someone who works in a school, I already know how far away the next holiday is (I won't dare to mention the 🎄🎅!), so there is time to do something in a healthy way.

So as always, I have had to take the first little steps. That for me is by returning to my WeightWatchers meeting. I have somehow managed to lose all my paperwork (!) but I could still face the music. That I did . . . let's just say that it was the first time I'd been in five weeks! I was expecting the worst and was so surprised to see I'd only put on a pound. The person I see is maybe not who others see and to be fair my partner says I'm too hard on myself. 

I LIKE ROUTINE! It may even be true that I have slight OCD but is that a bad thing?! Being back at school gives me that routine back.

I feel that I am forever starting again and that I have said this before!? Please take heart from someone who seems to be starting again . . . again . . . again . . . again . . . that it's okay to start again and that if you are returning to something that you know and have done, whether that be WeightWatchers or Slimming World or indeed a healthy eating plan devised by your PT that they will never give up on you, so don't give up on yourself.

Life is a journey . . . sometimes we stop 🚫, take a break, or even a different route, but eventually when you are ready you will get back on that train 🚆 called life . . . and give it, yet another go, if you are anything like me!

KEEP STRIVING TO BE THE BEST YOU, YOU CAN BE!

And so she starts again . . . again!

I know I have a problem. It's part of the reason for my blog because I know I'm not the only one out there and if my honesty hits just one other then that's a good thing . . . I think!? 

I'm a food addict and when I fall off the wagon I do it in the most epic style!

In the middle of May I was so close to the point where I could say I was happy with my weight. Then something happened. To this day I'm not really sure what. I have spent 6 months trying to figure that out. Coming to some conclusions about myself. Putting other theories out of my mind.  All I truly know is that I fell off the wagon. Hard.

Before you can get back on the journey you need to want to. I mean really want to. No messing about. No playing. Maybe you have to hit the bottom hard. Crash.

So once you have dusted yourself off you need to put a plan together. Nothing, in life I believe, works without a plan.

So with that in mind. I've done what I know to do. What I know works, for me. Eaten humble pie . . . again and gone back. Taken that step. Walked through the doors. Found the correct platform and got back on the train yet again. This time I need to try not to fall out of the moving carriage and to keep on the right track. Even when I think I've arrived I have to wait for the train to stop. I can't step off a moving train. I'm also not sure that this train ever stops it should just slow down!

And so she starts again . . . again!

Post Moonwalk blues

I have been silent for a while but during this time I have partially written three blogs but for one reason or another I have not posted them!

I last wrote on my blog on 6 June 2016, around six weeks after I had completed the Moonwalk; I thought that I had learnt a thing or two and would be able to change some things that were going wrong. Another six weeks on and I am still not there but I have learnt some more things along the way that I wanted to share and hope that it may give a 'light bulb' moment for someone, if not it will just be a good read!

WeightWatchers offers something to me that I know that I need; it isn't for everyone but it's good for me. So, what is that? Well, it's the support of a group of people who are all trying to achieve the same thing with a group leader who also has had, or continues to have, the same struggles as everyone in that group. WeightWatchers was founded on this principle over 50 years ago. I need to remind myself that part of that is to take time for yourself, setting aside that hour a week to go to a meeting and not let other things get in the way. . . 

The last time that I attended a meeting, which was about seven weeks ago, we were asked to look at ourselves and think about five things that are pretty cool about us. I know that almost everyone in the room probably looked at the floor and hoped that the leader did not ask us. She must have known this and told us to go away and think about it after first discussing that we are often times our own worst critic and that if we were to ask that question of our friends and family they would probably be able to reel off a whole list of things about us. The idea of coming up with five cool things about us was to try and change our attitude. Most of us who struggle with weight have most probably not got the best attitude when it comes to ourselves. I, for one, would, more often than not, overthink the answers and really struggle to come up with something. After trying not to do that I managed to come up with five;

1. I'm a loyal friend
2. I have a wicked laugh
3. I have beautiful eyes
4. I can talk for ever!
5. I make an amazing Bolognese sauce!

I am not really sure that these are actually cool things but heyho I came up with five things that are me and that I am proud of! Positive thinking will get you to where you want to be. I must remember to be kind to myself.

The next life lesson was much harder to deal with and acknowledge but I have learnt a new word because of it, although I'm not sure how much I will use it or even if it actually refers to me! In my last blog You're never too old to learn I stated that my competitiveness was causing me a problem. Having thought about this some more I realised that it had also had a huge impact on a major relationship in my life. The word that I have is atelophobia; the fear of imperfection, of not being good enough.

Now I am not saying that I have a phobia but what I am saying is that I recognise that thinking I am not good enough has often held me back. I have spent years sabotaging all sorts of things in my life; food being the major one.

I will not go into the whys and wherefores for where I think this comes from. What I do know is that knowledge is power. The realisation that I had was empowering; this just adds to that. What I have to do is shift how I view myself and stop thinking that I am not good enough. I AM good enough. This says it perfectly;

I do NOT need anyone to validate me; I am already valuable. 

This phrase may need to be repeated and repeated and repeated until I believe it but once I do then who knows what mountains I can climb and what heights I can soar. 

At the beginning of the year I had a plan, a focus; I knew exactly where I wanted to be and what my goals were. Unfortunately, I did not think past the 14th May! I should have known that once a goal had been realised that I might struggle; others around me did. I have spent the last twelve weeks in a post Moonwalk blues faze, beating myself up, trying to get myself out of a hole and not really knowing how to or why I was in it. I watched a programme, Bradley Wiggins 'Road to Rio', the other night and some things that were said resonated with me. After Bradley had won the Tour de France, in 2012, and then won a gold medal two weeks later at the London Olympics he suffered with depression for the best part of a year. He didn't know what to do or whether he wanted to even get back on a bike. Elated after completing the Moonwalk and knowing that I had power walked 26.2 miles, an achievement in itself, an opportunity arose to take part in another challenge The Thames Path Challenge. A 50km (31 mile) walk, also to raise funds for Walk the Walk. I did give it some thought, but maybe not as much as I should have, and signed up to take part in this event. It takes place on 10th September . . . loads of time to get back into the swing of walking! Yeh right! I set myself up with a new training plan for thirteen weeks and started it on Monday 5 June. I managed to stick to it for two weeks but since then it has gone slightly awry. Watching this Bradley Wiggins programme hit me smack in the face with the fact that I had the Moonwalk blues. It totally makes sense why I have found it difficult to motivate myself to walk but something needs to change as the Thames Path Challenge takes place in just over six weeks and I need to pull myself together.

I have learnt several lessons over the last twelve weeks and now just need to put them into practise. Understand that the only person that I need to be good enough for is me and that I AM good enough.

Maya Angelou once said, 'Success is liking yourself. Liking what you do and liking how you do it.'  I can genuinely say that ten years ago I did not like who I was but I have done a lot of work over that time to change that. I thought that I was there but this year has again proved that I have something to learn and things to change. That will not be easy. It has taken 47 years to get here but we are all a work in progress and learning is part of life. . . 

You're never too old to learn

Is there anything holding you back? Indeed, have you ever asked yourself this question or even contemplated it? 

I have known for as long as I can remember that I am competitive; it's in my genes! My mother is one of five and has four brothers. My father is the middle child of three with a younger brother; I know how competitive they both were! When playing any type of game with a non family member we used to have to tell them the 'Stephen' rules; I'm sure that my father changed the rules of every game so that he had a chance of winning! He would obviously deny this but there would be that cheeky grin and glint in his eye. . .

So, where am I going with this? For the last six weeks or so I have been going backwards. This is in relation to my overall health and well-being. I know exactly where I have been going wrong and I now exactly what to do to put it right but still I wasn't doing it. This is because I had no idea why I was. I went to my WeightWatchers meeting on Thursday night and, if I am honest, I was looking for some inspiration. For those who are new to this blog I was, until this time last year, a WeightWatchers leader. Therefore, I should know near enough everything that there is to know but here comes the bit about learning something new every day. Several things were said during the meeting. The journey that I take to the meeting is approximately thirty minutes. I, therefore, had my thirty minute drive home to contemplate the why? question. I am someone who reflects and wants to learn from things that I do and the answer that I found was not necessarily the easiest one.

I have said that I am competitive. I think that this is not a bad character trait but there are weaknesses to being competitive and how you use it. Some people who are competitive will want to win at all costs; to be the best and maybe to succeed at everything they do, maybe not caring for who gets in their way. I am most definitely not this type of person but I have identified that my competitive streak has been causing me some problems of late. I was a little bit taken aback but have since realised that I have seen this in at least one of my sons, so why am I surprised?!

So, I'll go back to my original question; Is there anything holding you back? I was so nearly where I wanted to be with both my weight and fitness so what has been holding me back? Since doing the Moonwalk, and maybe not realising or dealing with the psychological impact that this would have on me, I have been sabotaging. I have known that I was doing it but as I have said I didn't know why. The answer is my competitiveness. Due to eating really poorly, and some other life changes, I have not been able to do some of the things that were coming very naturally to me; complete a Kettlercise class with an 8kg kettlebell, walk at the pace that I was before the Moonwalk. Now this is almost definitely down to the crap that I have been putting in my body but the impact that being competitive has had on me has been a difficult one to come to terms with. As I have got weaker I have not been able to compete with the girls that I go to Kettlercise with or the friend that I walk with. The way my brain has been working is to shut down; to say if you can't be the best then don't compete at all!

This is what has been holding me back for the last six weeks! Now I have worked that out how do I go about changing my mental attitude? For me that is to take time for myself. Although some would describe me as the life and soul of the party I actually like solitude and my own company. I need to build my own self-confidence back up; believe in myself again and stop comparing myself to others. 

I have decided that for a while I will be walking on my own. I can sort my world out in my head by giving myself a good talking to; something that I don't do when I walk with my friend. She thinks that she's upset my apple cart but the reality is far from it. I have had to come face to face with something that has probably been happening for a great number of years but I didn't know it. Now I do I can manage it.

My mantra; everything happens for a reason, good or bad. At 47 I have learnt a life lesson that I probably should have learnt over 35 years ago but maybe then and before now I wasn't ready or equipped to handle it.

As an added note, whilst sitting writing this blog, my Facebook memories pinged on my phone. On this day last year I shared this picture. Now, I totally understand it and will keep reminding myself!

To my walking friend, it won't be long before I am staring at your bum again!!

Carb loading

Anyone reading this and looking for advice on training better stop now! This post is about a confession . . . some know this about me already and others will just come to know that this is all part of Tessa's Moments! The picture is so apt . . . 

I started 2016 with a mission; to lose the (approx) 21 pounds that I had put on since stopping being a WeightWatchers leader and complete my first ever London Moonwalk. I think that I have said before that I am most definitely someone who likes a plan, someone who likes structure and order.

All was good, by my birthday 13 weeks into the year, I had lost a total of 15 pounds. At one point I was only half a pound away from losing 10% of my starting weight; a real weight loss goal. That is no longer the case! So, what happened?!

Training for the Moonwalk properly started on Sunday 21 February with a 3 mile walk. I would say at this point that I had been used to doing an 8/10 mile walk each weekend. Sometimes fairly pacey other times a slow walk chatting with friends. All was going great until I started doing longer distances. The weekend that I walked 14 miles was a real killer; I ended up in bed for the rest of the day and would say that my body was in shock. I can't quite describe what it was going through but would suggest that I was in some sort of diabetic hypo state, without being a diabetic. I realised at this point that I really needed to look at how I was fueling my body before, during and after the long walks.

I had a sit down with my PT and she talked a lot of science to me; all things that I could totally understand. The next 5 weeks training were then great as I established how to fuel my body correctly for what I now know is an endurance event but before this hadn't really thought about what I was doing or realistically how long it would take to do. Okay, that is not true either! I knew that I wanted to complete the Moonwalk in 6.5 hours but that was just a number not an understanding of how long that actually is!

During the 12 weeks training I was still following WeightWatchers SmartPoints but I had started to do something that I know is something that I do . . . cheat! How was I cheating? Well, over the last 5 years when I have followed any WeightWatchers plan to the letter, there are two things that I have always done very well and effectively; I have mentioned these two things in a post before and they are planning and tracking everything that I eat. It works! When I don't do it, it doesn't work!

I remember years ago watching a programme where someone talked about trigger foods. What is your trigger food? The food that is your go to that then maybe leads you down a slippery path to eating whatever you want and then saying stuff the diet I'm going to just keep going!

For me, that trigger food has never changed. It has always been the same and is BREAD. I cannot have a fresh loaf of bread in my house as I would just eat the whole thing. When I buy a loaf of bread it has to go straight into the freezer. It takes time to defrost a piece of bread and by that time maybe the effort or thought of taking it out of the freezer will have kicked in and it will stop me eating the bread! MAYBE!

I was earning on average about 150 FitPoints a week from my walking, and other exercise. The new guidelines from WeightWatchers are not to use any FitPoints that you have earned. This is something that I would have done in the past anyway. What is the point in increasing your activity and then eating anything that you have earned; it defeats the object of trying to lose weight!

So, back to how I had started to cheat. BREAD! I have regularly been someone who eats when I am bored, not because I am actually hungry! I would regularly have 2 pieces of bread, with spread and marmite on them each night. My brain would not stop me taking them out of the freezer because I would tell myself that it was okay as I was doing all this exercise! The scales were still moving too, so I wasn't doing that much damage was I?

After the Moonwalk was over I will admit to crashing; I have said that it felt a little bit like jet lag. I couldn't be bothered to cook and although I was till planning all of my meals when it came to eating my evening meal I had no desire to cook. In the last 3 weeks I have lost count of the amount of tiger loaves that I have bought . . . and consumed! I have carb loaded the wrong way round! I feel sluggish. I most definitely don't have the energy that I had previously.

I have also not been accountable to anyone. Due to one thing or another I have only been to my WeightWatchers meeting once in the last 4 weeks. That weigh in was not a pretty site! I KNOW that I have to go . . . and stay to the meetings. I know what to do. I also know where I have been going wrong but we all need some help and to be reminded.

Yesterday, I stepped back onto the train. The journey has started, yet again! I went for a 6 mile walk, which I enjoyed and did not see as a must. My food is tracked and planned and I have asked for support  . . . something that I don't often do.

I have written this post, put it out there and saying Tessa's Moments are on the move . . . again!

Can you believe. . .

. . . that it's the start of April? That we're already thirteen weeks into this year? I don't want to frighten you or wish time along, but we are a quarter of the way through the year! So, how are you doing? Is your resolve still strong? Have you achieved any goals?

Today is my 47th birthday; I've walked 12.25 miles and had an amazing week!

Let's go back to how my year is going and see if yours is going along the same way before I talk about birthday celebrations!?

I have lost a total of 15 pounds in the thirteen weeks (16 pounds since I started this new journey), and I'm only 1 pound away from losing 10% of my original weight! I have managed to save £91; although the next thirteen weeks are going to be a bit more challenging as the amount that I am supposed to save every week is going up; week 14 = £14, week 15 = £15! I will re-evaluate at around week 20 to see if I am able to carry on! If I can I will have saved £210, if I can get to week 26 (half way through the year) it will be £351!

I've read quite a few things recently on middle-age! I can now say that I am getting there, although I really do not believe in my heart that I am as old as I actually am. I'm old enough but still young enough to be going out for a night on the town with my boys tonight; I'm really looking forward to it, as the last time that we were all out together was my youngest son's 18th birthday last year.

I am not someone who has a bucket list, as such, but I do believe that I don't want to look back on my life and think 'I wish that I had done that'. I therefore think that training for and participating in the Moonwalk are some part of that. I know having done a 350 mile charity cycle ride how great it feels to achieve something that you, at first, thought that you may not be able to.

The same goes for birthday celebrations! This week myself and two friends have done something that we first talked about around eighteen months ago; the Go-Ape Zipline at Grizedale Forest, Lake District.

We initially did the Tree-Top Adventure at Go-Ape in Woburn around eighteen months ago and I will now admit to putting on a brave face for this! It was something that was on one of my friend's bucket list and myself and my best friend agreed to go along for the experience! How difficult could it really be to do an obstacle course through trees?! They are very safety conscious and walk/talk you through everything that you need to know/do before you are free to go off on your own. I realised, once we had climbed the practice tree, that this was maybe not going to be the easiest of things to do but I could not possibly show my fear, especially as my best friend was having moments!! We decided, between the three of us, that I would lead us, I was being 'mum', that my best friend would go in the middle and that the other friend would bring up the rear. The reasoning being that I could show that it was okay, could encourage my best friend to try and do it and that the last person made sure she did!! Let's just say that we ALL completed the course and achieved things that we probably did not think possible within the first 15 minutes of training! There were some particularly hairy moments that I really had to just go 'it's fine just don't look down!'

What we all did agree on was that the zip-line's were the most fun and established that at the Go-Ape course at Grizedale Forest you could just do the zip-line. Whoopee!! So, as I have said, after much talking about it we decided, at the beginning of the year, to book it. Beautifully, Easter was early this year so we were able to do this as part of my birthday experience.

So what did it entail? The Zip Trekking Adventure is a network of seven tandem zip lines that traverse the sky-scraping Douglas Firs at Grizedale Forest, providing you with an exhilarating experience of flying way above the forest floor. It was an unforgettable two and a half hour experience, including; a 20 minute hike (through one of the most beautiful forests out there), a ride off-road where we were whisked along winding mountain roads up to the training zip, and then seven zip wires covering a total distance of 3km to come back down to the bottom!

Again, this is something that you can't actually think about! You just have to do it! Although very cold, as we got caught in several rain showers, the whole experience was fantastic and we all agreed that it was something that we would all do again . . . but make sure that we did it in warmer weather!

We were away for less than 48 hours and managed to eat out every day, more than once, who can resist an afternoon tea with a slice of cake?!; I do enjoy food!

Yesterday was simply put . . . EATING . . . with friends. Tonight is about drinking and tomorrow will entail trying to recover and then more eating with friends from Cambridge!

Well that's how to celebrate your birthday for a week; eat out every day, do something incredibly fun and spend quality time with family and friends.

It has to be said that weigh day this week was not a day that I was looking forward to but I still managed to lose half a pound!

In another thirteen weeks we'll be half way through the year and it will be the start of July when you may be going on your holidays or they will be creeping up on you. 

Look what I have achieved in thirteen weeks and know that it's never to late to start. . . 

On track. . .

This picture hangs in my sitting room and is there as a reminder for lots of things in my life.

I set myself a goal, which was to be back in my healthy BMI range, by this week. We won't go into discussing BMI ranges at the moment, as I have my own thoughts on that! A couple of weeks ago I did not think that it was possible as my weight loss was slow and steady but I have lost 5lbs in the last two weeks and have achieved it! In the first seven weeks of 2016 I have lost a total of 10lbs.

It is my birthday in six weeks time and if I can lose half that amount again I will be happy. The goal that I will actually set myself is 7lbs or half a stone. Let's see!

I'm back on the track, on the correct path, doing what you ask? Something that I believe wholeheartedly in . . . TRACKING everything that I eat and drink. It really does work. 

I went out with the girls from work, for something to eat, on Tuesday. I intended to be really good. I'd researched the menu online and chosen what I was having; all good. Problem?! Yes, on the specials board was a Winter Berries Eton Mess! Well, of course, I HAD to have it; who wouldn't?!? So the next dilemma is do you acknowledge that you have had it. Pre being back on track the honest answer to that would have been no! Good me, said 'yes, of course you do!' There then lies a problem. Trying to search through the Weightwatchers app to find something 'similar' gave a wide range of SmartPoint values. From as little as 9sp to a whopping 45sp! I decided to plump for a middle one being 23sp. That meant that I was -12sp across the week. I have set my app up to not take from my FitPoints so that I am not tempted to do this; I earned 81 FitPoints this week. I could have just left it at that but decided that I needed to look at the remainder of the week and make some adjustments. I managed to claw back 6sp's which left me on -6sp; hardly anything over just by changing a couple of things.

To be on the correct track I believe that you need to decide what it is that you want to achieve, even if it is just a little thing, then set that as the goal. To be honest, the smaller the goal actually is then the more likely that you are to achieve it. Small steps on the journey. The destination may be too far away; think about each goal as a station or stop along the way. Reward yourself at each stop. This can help with the motivation; it doesn't need to be a lot just a little something to acknowledge the journey that you are on. A trip to the cinema? A walk around the shops? Meeting a friend for a coffee? How about a reward chart set up with each of the stops along the way.

At the Weightwatchers meeting that I go to, for every half pound we lose we get given a marble to put in a jar on the front table. The clinks as they are put in are very satisfying to hear. This week we were given a Lego brick for each half pound and asked to build a wall. The visual of that solid wall is in my head from all the weight lost in the meeting. If I think about my own weight loss that would be 22 bricks and really is something to be proud of. How are you doing? How about building your own wall and seeing how far you have come?

The answer is; keep doing what you are doing. TRACK. . . TRACK. . . TRACK. This is where success starts. . . 

Six weeks into 2016. . . how are you doing?!

We are now at the end of the first six weeks of the year. For me, that means that I have got through the first six weeks of the Spring Term and am now having a well deserved break!

So how have your new year's resolutions been going?! Are you still going strong or have you slipped a bit?! I am going to chat about each of the things that I have been doing; awesome notes and saving; weight loss; and finally Tessa's Moments!

Awesome notes and saving

I have now got £21 in my savings jar, having saved £1 in week 1, £2 in week 2, etc. It is amazing how a little can add up. I am aware that I may not be able to sustain this for the whole year but I am planning to keep going for as long as I can. If I get to week 30 (that's the end of July) I'll have £465, week 40 (that's the beginning of October) £820 and week 52 £1378!

My jar is filling nicely with awesome moments; I can smile warmly, now, thinking about some of the notes that I can remember in the last six weeks, so when I open it at the start of 2017 I may have to have a party to share some of the laughs that I will have with others!

Weight loss

This blog has been being written in my head for some time and up until this week I was going to write something along the lines of the tortoise and the hare and slow and steady winning the race and not rushing things. I will still say all of that but in six weeks I have managed to lose 8lbs, 5% of my original starting weight. I had set myself a goal to be back at my healthy BMI range by week seven and last week did not think that was possible but after the weight loss that I had this week I am really on target to achieve that:

Week 1: 1lb gain (first weigh in after Christmas and New Year)

Week 2: 3lb loss

Week 3: 1.5lb loss

Week 4: 0.5lb gain

Week 5: 1lb loss

Week 6: 3lb loss

I have lost a total of 9lbs since rejoining Weight Watchers and know that it just takes a bit of work. . . and commitment! 

I just want to add that I am keeping an eye on my weight loss to see if there is a pattern. I am a very boring eater and although what I eat is generally healthy, I tend to eat similar things every week. This would suggest that I should be losing the same amount every week but as you can see that's not true! Let's see what the weight loss looks like in another six weeks and see if there is a pattern. . . 

Tessa's moments

As part of my blog I have previously talked about headaches, trouble sleeping and other perimenopausal symptoms. I had a migraine at the beginning of December, which resulted in two days off work, and another one between Christmas and New Year that had me confined to bed for another two days. 

I was 'bullied' by the girls at work into going to the doctors and very much thought that the discussion would be me giving into HRT as I couldn't see any other way forward. I will not use the word depression lightly but I will say that the migraines were starting to get me down. . . significantly. 

The doctor I saw said that due to concerns raise in the medical community that doctors were now very reluctant to put women on HRT. Phew. . . at least I did not have to deal with that! We then had a discussion about SSRI's (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) and trying to deal with my symptoms or trying to manage the migraines when I get them. I think that anyone reading this who has suffered with migraines will know what my response was! Now this is the bit where I don't really know what the doctor is talking about but I'm putting my trust in him to give me something that might help!

I arrived back at work with my prescription for Fluoxetine to be informed by the girls at work that I'd been given Prozac. Does he think I'm a slightly crazy, middle-aged woman??!! He does know me, even though he'd only just met me!!!

I went home, did some research before taking the first pill, and then decided that it couldn't do me any harm. For those interested, I started taking the Fluoxetine on day 10 of my cycle, and the doctor told me that it would take at least two weeks for the drug to get into my system so it may not help so much with my cycle that month. I'd only been given a 30 day supply to start with and told to go and get some blood tests done. 

I went back four weeks later, having taken 27 pills, and having gone through a cycle. Did I get a migraine? Yes, but it wasn't half as bad as it had been for the two months before and it had helped with some of my other symptoms; the night sweats were not as bad and the waking up, and being awake for 2/3 hours in the night for up to 10 days before I come on, were greatly reduced. It did still wake at around 2.30am but was able to get almost straight back to sleep. The other added bonus was that normally challenging behaviours in teenagers were met with a very chilled out Tessa!!

The doctor gave me the results of my blood tests and informed me 'that I was ovulating like a trooper'! Thanks!! I'm not sure that this is what I wanted to hear but I do know that perimenopausal symptoms can present for up to ten years before you actually go through the menopause. Let's hope that the Fluoxetine continues do work!

So, in 7 weeks time I will be 47. I hope to have lost another 7lbs by then. I will be well and truly into my #Moonwalk training. I'll have also done the Grizedale Go Ape zip line with two awesome and probably slightly scared friends!