And so she starts again . . . again!

I know I have a problem. It's part of the reason for my blog because I know I'm not the only one out there and if my honesty hits just one other then that's a good thing . . . I think!? 

I'm a food addict and when I fall off the wagon I do it in the most epic style!

In the middle of May I was so close to the point where I could say I was happy with my weight. Then something happened. To this day I'm not really sure what. I have spent 6 months trying to figure that out. Coming to some conclusions about myself. Putting other theories out of my mind.  All I truly know is that I fell off the wagon. Hard.

Before you can get back on the journey you need to want to. I mean really want to. No messing about. No playing. Maybe you have to hit the bottom hard. Crash.

So once you have dusted yourself off you need to put a plan together. Nothing, in life I believe, works without a plan.

So with that in mind. I've done what I know to do. What I know works, for me. Eaten humble pie . . . again and gone back. Taken that step. Walked through the doors. Found the correct platform and got back on the train yet again. This time I need to try not to fall out of the moving carriage and to keep on the right track. Even when I think I've arrived I have to wait for the train to stop. I can't step off a moving train. I'm also not sure that this train ever stops it should just slow down!

And so she starts again . . . again!

Post Moonwalk blues

I have been silent for a while but during this time I have partially written three blogs but for one reason or another I have not posted them!

I last wrote on my blog on 6 June 2016, around six weeks after I had completed the Moonwalk; I thought that I had learnt a thing or two and would be able to change some things that were going wrong. Another six weeks on and I am still not there but I have learnt some more things along the way that I wanted to share and hope that it may give a 'light bulb' moment for someone, if not it will just be a good read!

WeightWatchers offers something to me that I know that I need; it isn't for everyone but it's good for me. So, what is that? Well, it's the support of a group of people who are all trying to achieve the same thing with a group leader who also has had, or continues to have, the same struggles as everyone in that group. WeightWatchers was founded on this principle over 50 years ago. I need to remind myself that part of that is to take time for yourself, setting aside that hour a week to go to a meeting and not let other things get in the way. . . 

The last time that I attended a meeting, which was about seven weeks ago, we were asked to look at ourselves and think about five things that are pretty cool about us. I know that almost everyone in the room probably looked at the floor and hoped that the leader did not ask us. She must have known this and told us to go away and think about it after first discussing that we are often times our own worst critic and that if we were to ask that question of our friends and family they would probably be able to reel off a whole list of things about us. The idea of coming up with five cool things about us was to try and change our attitude. Most of us who struggle with weight have most probably not got the best attitude when it comes to ourselves. I, for one, would, more often than not, overthink the answers and really struggle to come up with something. After trying not to do that I managed to come up with five;

1. I'm a loyal friend
2. I have a wicked laugh
3. I have beautiful eyes
4. I can talk for ever!
5. I make an amazing Bolognese sauce!

I am not really sure that these are actually cool things but heyho I came up with five things that are me and that I am proud of! Positive thinking will get you to where you want to be. I must remember to be kind to myself.

The next life lesson was much harder to deal with and acknowledge but I have learnt a new word because of it, although I'm not sure how much I will use it or even if it actually refers to me! In my last blog You're never too old to learn I stated that my competitiveness was causing me a problem. Having thought about this some more I realised that it had also had a huge impact on a major relationship in my life. The word that I have is atelophobia; the fear of imperfection, of not being good enough.

Now I am not saying that I have a phobia but what I am saying is that I recognise that thinking I am not good enough has often held me back. I have spent years sabotaging all sorts of things in my life; food being the major one.

I will not go into the whys and wherefores for where I think this comes from. What I do know is that knowledge is power. The realisation that I had was empowering; this just adds to that. What I have to do is shift how I view myself and stop thinking that I am not good enough. I AM good enough. This says it perfectly;

I do NOT need anyone to validate me; I am already valuable. 

This phrase may need to be repeated and repeated and repeated until I believe it but once I do then who knows what mountains I can climb and what heights I can soar. 

At the beginning of the year I had a plan, a focus; I knew exactly where I wanted to be and what my goals were. Unfortunately, I did not think past the 14th May! I should have known that once a goal had been realised that I might struggle; others around me did. I have spent the last twelve weeks in a post Moonwalk blues faze, beating myself up, trying to get myself out of a hole and not really knowing how to or why I was in it. I watched a programme, Bradley Wiggins 'Road to Rio', the other night and some things that were said resonated with me. After Bradley had won the Tour de France, in 2012, and then won a gold medal two weeks later at the London Olympics he suffered with depression for the best part of a year. He didn't know what to do or whether he wanted to even get back on a bike. Elated after completing the Moonwalk and knowing that I had power walked 26.2 miles, an achievement in itself, an opportunity arose to take part in another challenge The Thames Path Challenge. A 50km (31 mile) walk, also to raise funds for Walk the Walk. I did give it some thought, but maybe not as much as I should have, and signed up to take part in this event. It takes place on 10th September . . . loads of time to get back into the swing of walking! Yeh right! I set myself up with a new training plan for thirteen weeks and started it on Monday 5 June. I managed to stick to it for two weeks but since then it has gone slightly awry. Watching this Bradley Wiggins programme hit me smack in the face with the fact that I had the Moonwalk blues. It totally makes sense why I have found it difficult to motivate myself to walk but something needs to change as the Thames Path Challenge takes place in just over six weeks and I need to pull myself together.

I have learnt several lessons over the last twelve weeks and now just need to put them into practise. Understand that the only person that I need to be good enough for is me and that I AM good enough.

Maya Angelou once said, 'Success is liking yourself. Liking what you do and liking how you do it.'  I can genuinely say that ten years ago I did not like who I was but I have done a lot of work over that time to change that. I thought that I was there but this year has again proved that I have something to learn and things to change. That will not be easy. It has taken 47 years to get here but we are all a work in progress and learning is part of life. . . 

You're never too old to learn

Is there anything holding you back? Indeed, have you ever asked yourself this question or even contemplated it? 

I have known for as long as I can remember that I am competitive; it's in my genes! My mother is one of five and has four brothers. My father is the middle child of three with a younger brother; I know how competitive they both were! When playing any type of game with a non family member we used to have to tell them the 'Stephen' rules; I'm sure that my father changed the rules of every game so that he had a chance of winning! He would obviously deny this but there would be that cheeky grin and glint in his eye. . .

So, where am I going with this? For the last six weeks or so I have been going backwards. This is in relation to my overall health and well-being. I know exactly where I have been going wrong and I now exactly what to do to put it right but still I wasn't doing it. This is because I had no idea why I was. I went to my WeightWatchers meeting on Thursday night and, if I am honest, I was looking for some inspiration. For those who are new to this blog I was, until this time last year, a WeightWatchers leader. Therefore, I should know near enough everything that there is to know but here comes the bit about learning something new every day. Several things were said during the meeting. The journey that I take to the meeting is approximately thirty minutes. I, therefore, had my thirty minute drive home to contemplate the why? question. I am someone who reflects and wants to learn from things that I do and the answer that I found was not necessarily the easiest one.

I have said that I am competitive. I think that this is not a bad character trait but there are weaknesses to being competitive and how you use it. Some people who are competitive will want to win at all costs; to be the best and maybe to succeed at everything they do, maybe not caring for who gets in their way. I am most definitely not this type of person but I have identified that my competitive streak has been causing me some problems of late. I was a little bit taken aback but have since realised that I have seen this in at least one of my sons, so why am I surprised?!

So, I'll go back to my original question; Is there anything holding you back? I was so nearly where I wanted to be with both my weight and fitness so what has been holding me back? Since doing the Moonwalk, and maybe not realising or dealing with the psychological impact that this would have on me, I have been sabotaging. I have known that I was doing it but as I have said I didn't know why. The answer is my competitiveness. Due to eating really poorly, and some other life changes, I have not been able to do some of the things that were coming very naturally to me; complete a Kettlercise class with an 8kg kettlebell, walk at the pace that I was before the Moonwalk. Now this is almost definitely down to the crap that I have been putting in my body but the impact that being competitive has had on me has been a difficult one to come to terms with. As I have got weaker I have not been able to compete with the girls that I go to Kettlercise with or the friend that I walk with. The way my brain has been working is to shut down; to say if you can't be the best then don't compete at all!

This is what has been holding me back for the last six weeks! Now I have worked that out how do I go about changing my mental attitude? For me that is to take time for myself. Although some would describe me as the life and soul of the party I actually like solitude and my own company. I need to build my own self-confidence back up; believe in myself again and stop comparing myself to others. 

I have decided that for a while I will be walking on my own. I can sort my world out in my head by giving myself a good talking to; something that I don't do when I walk with my friend. She thinks that she's upset my apple cart but the reality is far from it. I have had to come face to face with something that has probably been happening for a great number of years but I didn't know it. Now I do I can manage it.

My mantra; everything happens for a reason, good or bad. At 47 I have learnt a life lesson that I probably should have learnt over 35 years ago but maybe then and before now I wasn't ready or equipped to handle it.

As an added note, whilst sitting writing this blog, my Facebook memories pinged on my phone. On this day last year I shared this picture. Now, I totally understand it and will keep reminding myself!

To my walking friend, it won't be long before I am staring at your bum again!!

Carb loading

Anyone reading this and looking for advice on training better stop now! This post is about a confession . . . some know this about me already and others will just come to know that this is all part of Tessa's Moments! The picture is so apt . . . 

I started 2016 with a mission; to lose the (approx) 21 pounds that I had put on since stopping being a WeightWatchers leader and complete my first ever London Moonwalk. I think that I have said before that I am most definitely someone who likes a plan, someone who likes structure and order.

All was good, by my birthday 13 weeks into the year, I had lost a total of 15 pounds. At one point I was only half a pound away from losing 10% of my starting weight; a real weight loss goal. That is no longer the case! So, what happened?!

Training for the Moonwalk properly started on Sunday 21 February with a 3 mile walk. I would say at this point that I had been used to doing an 8/10 mile walk each weekend. Sometimes fairly pacey other times a slow walk chatting with friends. All was going great until I started doing longer distances. The weekend that I walked 14 miles was a real killer; I ended up in bed for the rest of the day and would say that my body was in shock. I can't quite describe what it was going through but would suggest that I was in some sort of diabetic hypo state, without being a diabetic. I realised at this point that I really needed to look at how I was fueling my body before, during and after the long walks.

I had a sit down with my PT and she talked a lot of science to me; all things that I could totally understand. The next 5 weeks training were then great as I established how to fuel my body correctly for what I now know is an endurance event but before this hadn't really thought about what I was doing or realistically how long it would take to do. Okay, that is not true either! I knew that I wanted to complete the Moonwalk in 6.5 hours but that was just a number not an understanding of how long that actually is!

During the 12 weeks training I was still following WeightWatchers SmartPoints but I had started to do something that I know is something that I do . . . cheat! How was I cheating? Well, over the last 5 years when I have followed any WeightWatchers plan to the letter, there are two things that I have always done very well and effectively; I have mentioned these two things in a post before and they are planning and tracking everything that I eat. It works! When I don't do it, it doesn't work!

I remember years ago watching a programme where someone talked about trigger foods. What is your trigger food? The food that is your go to that then maybe leads you down a slippery path to eating whatever you want and then saying stuff the diet I'm going to just keep going!

For me, that trigger food has never changed. It has always been the same and is BREAD. I cannot have a fresh loaf of bread in my house as I would just eat the whole thing. When I buy a loaf of bread it has to go straight into the freezer. It takes time to defrost a piece of bread and by that time maybe the effort or thought of taking it out of the freezer will have kicked in and it will stop me eating the bread! MAYBE!

I was earning on average about 150 FitPoints a week from my walking, and other exercise. The new guidelines from WeightWatchers are not to use any FitPoints that you have earned. This is something that I would have done in the past anyway. What is the point in increasing your activity and then eating anything that you have earned; it defeats the object of trying to lose weight!

So, back to how I had started to cheat. BREAD! I have regularly been someone who eats when I am bored, not because I am actually hungry! I would regularly have 2 pieces of bread, with spread and marmite on them each night. My brain would not stop me taking them out of the freezer because I would tell myself that it was okay as I was doing all this exercise! The scales were still moving too, so I wasn't doing that much damage was I?

After the Moonwalk was over I will admit to crashing; I have said that it felt a little bit like jet lag. I couldn't be bothered to cook and although I was till planning all of my meals when it came to eating my evening meal I had no desire to cook. In the last 3 weeks I have lost count of the amount of tiger loaves that I have bought . . . and consumed! I have carb loaded the wrong way round! I feel sluggish. I most definitely don't have the energy that I had previously.

I have also not been accountable to anyone. Due to one thing or another I have only been to my WeightWatchers meeting once in the last 4 weeks. That weigh in was not a pretty site! I KNOW that I have to go . . . and stay to the meetings. I know what to do. I also know where I have been going wrong but we all need some help and to be reminded.

Yesterday, I stepped back onto the train. The journey has started, yet again! I went for a 6 mile walk, which I enjoyed and did not see as a must. My food is tracked and planned and I have asked for support  . . . something that I don't often do.

I have written this post, put it out there and saying Tessa's Moments are on the move . . . again!

I think I'm ill!

So it is 15 days since I took part in my first ever London Moonwalk; I managed to complete it in 7 hours 6 minutes, slower than the 6.5 hours I’d hoped but not surprising if you bear in mind the crowds of 15000+ women (and a few men)! I had been warned that the first 4 miles would be slow with bottlenecks of queues and it was painfully slow, at times, plus also having to keep to pavements and wait for traffic lights to change, as the roads weren’t closed for us. I had a pavement encounter at approximately 4 miles, tripping over a kerb! I walk with a bottle of water in each hand, to help swing my arms (the best technique for power walking!) and I was wearing my gloves, at the time, so I didn't damage anything too badly, although my right wrist was painful for some time afterwards and I was ever so slightly embarrassed that I had tripped up! I was told by a colleague at work that his mum had taken part this year and at 6 miles she tripped on some steps, split her head open and suffered concussion; fortunately I had no lasting effects over my trip. In the last 3 miles I started to feel the pain, in my ankles and lower back. The last 2 miles were the worst; I'm not sure how I managed to keep going and most definitely know that it is a mind over matter thing and I kept telling myself 'one foot in front of the other, you're nearly there!'


At about 23 miles I said to my walking partner, Debbie, 'this is a once in a lifetime experience and I am NEVER doing this again!'. I had thought that I would see how this year went and then plan to do it every year, up to and including my 50th birthday year; so that's another 3 times! At about 25 miles she agreed that she would never be doing it again either!

We crossed the finishing line, were rewarded with our medal and literally found ourselves a spot on the grass and somehow managed to get ourselves onto the floor. (If we could have giggled we would have, but we were just too tired!) Tops on, as
we were both starting to feel cold, laid down, took some selfies and then did not move for about 10 minutes!

The next challenge was to get up, move and get ourselves across London back to Kings Cross for the journey home. We really couldn’t face the walk to the tube but how we managed to get into a taxi back to Kings Cross I’ll never know - I’m sure the people watching us had a giggle and I think we practically fell out the other end!

We finally got home around 10am on Sunday. I'd had a thought in my head for about 6 weeks about what I was going to have for breakfast! As we burnt in excess of 3000 calories we would surely be allowed a treat! The image that had got me through some difficult training walks was that I was going to treat myself to an amazing breakfast! Not what everyone would have chosen but I had decided that I was having a McDonald's breakfast; but my name is Tessa Jane and I don't do things by halves! I'd decided that I was going to have two Double Sausage and Egg McMuffins and FOUR hash browns! Did that happen?! NO! I could not face anything to eat. I am not sure if that was a combination of being tired and being so cold; I have never been so cold and that lasted through until at least the Monday evening.

Being at work for that week was a struggle; I felt like I had jet lag, emotionally and physically drained. Well, I suppose that I had been in training for over 12 weeks for that one night and then it came to an end.

By lunchtime on the following day we had both decided that we had forgotten how we felt at 23 and 25 miles and that we were contemplating doing it again next year! By the time that Thursday arrived, the day that registration opened for next year's Moonwalk, we had both definitely decided that we were going to complete the Moonwalk again and sooner rather than later. We are signed up for Saturday 13 May 2017! It's obviously a little like child birth -  you forget the pain really quickly and only remember the triumph!

So, I think that I am ill or I've got a bug of some kind. Debbie had started looking for further challenges BEFORE we had even completed the Moonwalk. I had already told her that she was slightly mad and that we needed to get through the 26 miles and the night before thinking about anything else! I am someone who believes that everything happens for a reason. Yesterday we went for an 8 mile walk, the first walk that we have done since completing the Moonwalk. I will be honest and say that I found it really hard going. I didn't feel great; it does have to be said that I had an upset tummy and have been suffering with a cold and sore throat for a couple of days. We did complete the walk and at an okay pace, not our usual pace though!

Whilst out on the walk I received a message offering me a hotel room for the night before the Thames Path Challenge. A friend and her daughter, who were doing it for Walk the Walk, have had to pull out and as she knew that Debbie and I were thinking about it, she was offering us their hotel room for the night before the challenge.

I now have a 24/48 hour rule, embedded into me by my boss; don't do anything or say anything for 24/48 hours. If it is still important or worth saying/doing 24/48 hours later then do it, if it isn't then don't. Simple really!

24 hours on and I have found a solution around one of the stumbling blocks. So we are going for it! The Thames Path Challenge that we will be completing, this year (!), is 50km, approx 31 miles. The one that we are doing is a day challenge, starting at 8 am on Saturday 10 September. The beauty of this challenge for me is a time factor. I will have near enough the whole of August off work and will be able to dedicate some time to completing some long distances and maybe getting my speed up, although my walking and competitive partner may not be able to walk with me all the time so that may not be the case!

As my mother said to me a while ago, 'but you don't like walking!'. This is why I think that I must be ill or have a bug -  the walking bug. Let's hope that at 47 this is a phase that will pass!

I'll keep you posted on if I reach nutter status . . . it is in my genes and I think my father was around this age when he started to do some quite unconventional things!

Half way through Moonwalk training

This time in six weeks I will have completed the Moonwalk 2016; I may not be able to move but hopefully I will have completed it!

We have been given a training plan which I am following near enough to the letter! I am still going to Kettlercise twice a week and can definitely notice my fitness levels increasing! Last Saturday was a 10 mile walk, at  steady pace, and we accomplished that in 2 hours 15 minutes. I was very happy with that. I am hoping to complete the 26.2 miles in under 6 and a half hours, that is an average of 15 minute/mile. I am aware that due to the amount of people taking part that the first 2 hours may be fairly slow by the standard that I am currently training at.

On Thursday we did our first interval training session; this was a 6 mile walk and we walked as fast as we could for 1 minute then slowed it down for another 2 minutes before repeating the interval. As you can see what we achieved was amazing! Pace at 13.15 minutes/mile!!

Yesterday we did a 12 miler which was distance and speed; I have to say that the interval training on Thursday really helped. I have to admit that I found the last 2 miles tough but I would assume that is because I had done a 'Last chance training session' on Friday night and by the time we hit 10 miles every muscle in my body was aching; particularly my shoulders and neck. That might have something to do with a 12kg kettlebell and lifting it over my head #nopainnogain !!!

12 miles is nearly half way; 2 hours 45 minutes to achieve that is also really positive. IF we maintained that sort of speed across the 26.2 miles then we should complete the Moonwalk in 5 hours 45 minutes giving us a 45 minute leeway on my target time!!! Anything faster would just be running!!

If you would like to sponsor me you can still do so, any amount would be greatly appreciated. 

Can you believe. . .

. . . that it's the start of April? That we're already thirteen weeks into this year? I don't want to frighten you or wish time along, but we are a quarter of the way through the year! So, how are you doing? Is your resolve still strong? Have you achieved any goals?

Today is my 47th birthday; I've walked 12.25 miles and had an amazing week!

Let's go back to how my year is going and see if yours is going along the same way before I talk about birthday celebrations!?

I have lost a total of 15 pounds in the thirteen weeks (16 pounds since I started this new journey), and I'm only 1 pound away from losing 10% of my original weight! I have managed to save £91; although the next thirteen weeks are going to be a bit more challenging as the amount that I am supposed to save every week is going up; week 14 = £14, week 15 = £15! I will re-evaluate at around week 20 to see if I am able to carry on! If I can I will have saved £210, if I can get to week 26 (half way through the year) it will be £351!

I've read quite a few things recently on middle-age! I can now say that I am getting there, although I really do not believe in my heart that I am as old as I actually am. I'm old enough but still young enough to be going out for a night on the town with my boys tonight; I'm really looking forward to it, as the last time that we were all out together was my youngest son's 18th birthday last year.

I am not someone who has a bucket list, as such, but I do believe that I don't want to look back on my life and think 'I wish that I had done that'. I therefore think that training for and participating in the Moonwalk are some part of that. I know having done a 350 mile charity cycle ride how great it feels to achieve something that you, at first, thought that you may not be able to.

The same goes for birthday celebrations! This week myself and two friends have done something that we first talked about around eighteen months ago; the Go-Ape Zipline at Grizedale Forest, Lake District.

We initially did the Tree-Top Adventure at Go-Ape in Woburn around eighteen months ago and I will now admit to putting on a brave face for this! It was something that was on one of my friend's bucket list and myself and my best friend agreed to go along for the experience! How difficult could it really be to do an obstacle course through trees?! They are very safety conscious and walk/talk you through everything that you need to know/do before you are free to go off on your own. I realised, once we had climbed the practice tree, that this was maybe not going to be the easiest of things to do but I could not possibly show my fear, especially as my best friend was having moments!! We decided, between the three of us, that I would lead us, I was being 'mum', that my best friend would go in the middle and that the other friend would bring up the rear. The reasoning being that I could show that it was okay, could encourage my best friend to try and do it and that the last person made sure she did!! Let's just say that we ALL completed the course and achieved things that we probably did not think possible within the first 15 minutes of training! There were some particularly hairy moments that I really had to just go 'it's fine just don't look down!'

What we all did agree on was that the zip-line's were the most fun and established that at the Go-Ape course at Grizedale Forest you could just do the zip-line. Whoopee!! So, as I have said, after much talking about it we decided, at the beginning of the year, to book it. Beautifully, Easter was early this year so we were able to do this as part of my birthday experience.

So what did it entail? The Zip Trekking Adventure is a network of seven tandem zip lines that traverse the sky-scraping Douglas Firs at Grizedale Forest, providing you with an exhilarating experience of flying way above the forest floor. It was an unforgettable two and a half hour experience, including; a 20 minute hike (through one of the most beautiful forests out there), a ride off-road where we were whisked along winding mountain roads up to the training zip, and then seven zip wires covering a total distance of 3km to come back down to the bottom!

Again, this is something that you can't actually think about! You just have to do it! Although very cold, as we got caught in several rain showers, the whole experience was fantastic and we all agreed that it was something that we would all do again . . . but make sure that we did it in warmer weather!

We were away for less than 48 hours and managed to eat out every day, more than once, who can resist an afternoon tea with a slice of cake?!; I do enjoy food!

Yesterday was simply put . . . EATING . . . with friends. Tonight is about drinking and tomorrow will entail trying to recover and then more eating with friends from Cambridge!

Well that's how to celebrate your birthday for a week; eat out every day, do something incredibly fun and spend quality time with family and friends.

It has to be said that weigh day this week was not a day that I was looking forward to but I still managed to lose half a pound!

In another thirteen weeks we'll be half way through the year and it will be the start of July when you may be going on your holidays or they will be creeping up on you. 

Look what I have achieved in thirteen weeks and know that it's never to late to start. . .