Another chapter in my life

Friday 1 December 2017

Almost ten and a half years ago I moved out of what was my marital home with my two sons who were nearly 13 and 10 respectively. We were embarking on the next chapter in our lives; my sons now coming to terms with the fact that their parents had separated and how that was going to impact on their lives. We moved into our house, just the three us of and were all to grow as individuals.

Today, that house has been sold and the keys handed over to someone else. One son is now 23 and the proud owner of a 2 bedroom flat and on the property ladder himself; the other, now 20, embarking on his third year at university living out his dream studying in the US, at the University of Dallas.

A lot has changed over the last 10 years. People talk about '7 year life cycles' and I can definitely relate to that.

This time last year I could never have imagined that my life would be where it is today. Our works Christmas do was on this day, as it is this year, and I was entertaining several members of staff with my online dating exploits! We were even suggesting that I could write a book! Little was I to know that a chance encounter 19 days later would lead to where I am today.

Last night, both of my sons, independently, sent me messages; 'did you get any photos/cry over empty Ruster Way'  and 'Are you sad?'.  I can honestly say that what was our home had just become a house. When they both left home and were at university, which was in September 2015, our home became somewhere that I lived and sort of lost it's heart and vibrance; the empty nest effect and although one has come home they are both now adult men and our relationships are different; as they should be!

My boys have well and truly spread their fledgling wings but still know where they can come to for reassurance and knowledge. We are all learning how to behave in the adult-adult realm rather than adult-child world!

So, we all start the next chapters of our lives.

I am very excited about my life. I have started to do some things that have been dormant for some time; the creative part of me which come from my roots, my father and paternal grandmother. I have a man in my life who is encouraging and supportive, who, along with his children have taken me in and are accepting of who I am!

We are forging a path ahead and have some exciting plans. As I approach the end of my forties and the nifty fifties loom I am learning to deal with some of the challenges that life forces upon a woman of a certain age; embracing them and coming to terms with the changes imposed by my body.

Life is great and I am looking forward to new chapters that I would never have expected to write this time last year 😊.

Is summer really over?

Is summer really over?! Apologies to those of you who are not teachers, or work in a school, or indeed those who DO work in a school but are on a full-time contract; i.e. no time off during the summer holidays (!). If you are a teacher or work in a school then today, Monday 4 September, is likely to have been the first day in a while that the alarm has been set and you've had to think about going in to work!

If my Facebook feed was anything to go by last night then there were a lot of people in my position last night; or have even been having those dreams for some time 😏

What does summer being over mean for me, other than being back at work properly for the first time in five weeks?! Well, the sensible eating plan has most definitely been out the window. As someone who works in a school, I already know how far away the next holiday is (I won't dare to mention the 🎄🎅!), so there is time to do something in a healthy way.

So as always, I have had to take the first little steps. That for me is by returning to my WeightWatchers meeting. I have somehow managed to lose all my paperwork (!) but I could still face the music. That I did . . . let's just say that it was the first time I'd been in five weeks! I was expecting the worst and was so surprised to see I'd only put on a pound. The person I see is maybe not who others see and to be fair my partner says I'm too hard on myself. 

I LIKE ROUTINE! It may even be true that I have slight OCD but is that a bad thing?! Being back at school gives me that routine back.

I feel that I am forever starting again and that I have said this before!? Please take heart from someone who seems to be starting again . . . again . . . again . . . again . . . that it's okay to start again and that if you are returning to something that you know and have done, whether that be WeightWatchers or Slimming World or indeed a healthy eating plan devised by your PT that they will never give up on you, so don't give up on yourself.

Life is a journey . . . sometimes we stop 🚫, take a break, or even a different route, but eventually when you are ready you will get back on that train 🚆 called life . . . and give it, yet another go, if you are anything like me!

KEEP STRIVING TO BE THE BEST YOU, YOU CAN BE!

I got lost!

Well it's the start of the summer holidays, although I have actually worked all this week!

I have thought about writing something on my blog for a couple of weeks but knew that I needed to get the school year done and dusted with before I could even contemplate starting to write something . . . 

As always, I hope that some of what I write, and you will read, may help someone . . . if not the process is usually very cathartic for me!

It is the end of July 2017 and for a long time I have felt lost. When looking for an image to go with the title of this blog the picture above I felt really meant something; I was lost inside myself. I am someone who everyone would say is easy to read, and for the most part that is true, but I am also very good at keeping a huge amount of things inside me, not asking for help until things are really bad!

I started off 2016 in a very positive place; I was in control of many aspects of my life. Having started training for the London Moonwalk in early February. I was on a mission and nothing would stand in my way. Probably too late, I realised that my nutrition around the amount of exercise I was doing was not satisfactory; I was on a mission and as some would say when I've set my mind to do something then I don't stop! 

Having successfully completed the Moonwalk in around 7 hours the following couple of days were difficult. Having not slept for the best part of 36 hours; the Moonwalk is 26.2 miles through the night, I really struggled with my body temperature. On reflection I would definitely say that this had something to do with the lack of fat and carbohydrate stores within my body. The Moonwalk was over a Saturday night and I went to work as normal on the Monday! I know that I then had a 'jet lag' kind of reaction or those doing a night shift would probably recognise the effect of working after lack of sleep! 

The effect of all of this was that I needed to restore those stores! This is not actually something that I realised at the time but the consequence was that I started to eat things that I would never normally eat! Sweets and bread! I also didn't appear to have a 'stop' button . . . I just kept eating crap!!! 

Those that know a little bit about me, or have even read some of the things that I have posted before, know that when I fall off the wagon, I fall hard! I would say that I was in free-fall and was lost inside myself . . . A very wise individual in my 'village' made me look inside myself. What I discovered was quite a difficult pill to swallow and has been a journey through this last year. Sometimes I have taken strides forward and then great big leaps back. In amongst all of that I have been dealing with my infamous peri-menopausal symptoms and the pressures of work!

Read my last blog post And so she starts again . . . again!  (published on 12 November 2016) and see where I was 8 months ago!

I suppose that I should say some of the things that I learnt! There have been times in my life where I have been 'nearly' satisfied with, for one thing my appearance. There are other things too but this is the main thing in this situation. When I get to this point I have a tendency to sabotage. I know that I have mentioned this before but this time the 'doctor' in the village made me realize why I was sabotaging! Knowledge is power . . . there is no need to share what that knowledge is with the world and even with knowing it sometimes isn't easy . . .

The biggest lesson that I have learned this year is that yes, I am the product of my past but I don't have to allow it to define my future!

I am taking hold of the things that I have learned. I am a caregiver; I am very good at looking after everyone else and being there for them but not always very good at taking care of me. I have also struggled to see the qualities that I possess and would initially see some things as a negative rather than a positive.  

Towards the end of March, although my personal life was in the best shape that it has been in years, more of that later, my work-life was not. I am a strong advocate and believer in everything happens for a reason. On one day, a passing comment from someone asking how I was snowballed. The result was that person, who is a very positive, good individual, making me stop . . . shed lots of tears and ask for help. I'm not sure if she spoke to anyone else about me but some senior colleagues took time to arrange a meeting and then put some plans in place that allowed me to receive some of the support that I needed at work. I would class that initial person as someone in my 'village'; a person who is also a caregiver and I know takes time for others. (Ha . . . ha . . . hee!)

She also said something about my character which I initially took as a criticism but on reflection is a true description of how I see myself and what makes me good at what I do! I AM SENSITIVE . . . 

I take on other people's feelings; I have known this for years but maybe this is the first time in my life that I have acknowledged it. Taken it for what it is and seen that it is a true strength and not a weakness.

 I am loyal . . . maybe too loyal . . . but it is who I am . . I will not change but I have learnt that being this sensitive I suck in junk and have to learn how to get rid of that instead of taking it into my soul. This academic year as been a lesson in doing so.

To finish on a positive note; having been out of my marriage for over 10 years and out of another significant relationship for over 6 years, I had thought that I was destined to a single life. Having dabbled in online dating (I could write a book/novel on this!) and realizing that it wasn't really for me I had accepted, and was building, a single life. Yet, the universe had different thoughts for me! If you haven't seen the film Sliding Doors, then I suggest you watch it. I had a moment on 21 December 2016 at 12.15pm where if I had made a different choice then I would not currently be in a happy, loving relationship with a man true to my heart . . . loyal! Watch this space . . . . . . 

2017 will continue to be exciting; my best friend is expecting her first child in November and I am very excited for that event!

What we are . . . and what we want to be; sometimes we have to take a leap of faith. Maybe you do just have to take a step back, take stock and then jump; it can be scary but it can also be very exciting and lead to all sorts of things . . . some of you may even see me join your singing group!