Well it's the start of the summer holidays, although I have actually worked all this week!
I have thought about writing something on my blog for a couple of weeks but knew that I needed to get the school year done and dusted with before I could even contemplate starting to write something . . .
As always, I hope that some of what I write, and you will read, may help someone . . . if not the process is usually very cathartic for me!
It is the end of July 2017 and for a long time I have felt lost. When looking for an image to go with the title of this blog the picture above I felt really meant something; I was lost inside myself. I am someone who everyone would say is easy to read, and for the most part that is true, but I am also very good at keeping a huge amount of things inside me, not asking for help until things are really bad!
I started off 2016 in a very positive place; I was in control of many aspects of my life. Having started training for the London Moonwalk in early February. I was on a mission and nothing would stand in my way. Probably too late, I realised that my nutrition around the amount of exercise I was doing was not satisfactory; I was on a mission and as some would say when I've set my mind to do something then I don't stop!
Having successfully completed the Moonwalk in around 7 hours the following couple of days were difficult. Having not slept for the best part of 36 hours; the Moonwalk is 26.2 miles through the night, I really struggled with my body temperature. On reflection I would definitely say that this had something to do with the lack of fat and carbohydrate stores within my body. The Moonwalk was over a Saturday night and I went to work as normal on the Monday! I know that I then had a 'jet lag' kind of reaction or those doing a night shift would probably recognise the effect of working after lack of sleep!
The effect of all of this was that I needed to restore those stores! This is not actually something that I realised at the time but the consequence was that I started to eat things that I would never normally eat! Sweets and bread! I also didn't appear to have a 'stop' button . . . I just kept eating crap!!!
Those that know a little bit about me, or have even read some of the things that I have posted before, know that when I fall off the wagon, I fall hard! I would say that I was in free-fall and was lost inside myself . . . A very wise individual in my 'village' made me look inside myself. What I discovered was quite a difficult pill to swallow and has been a journey through this last year. Sometimes I have taken strides forward and then great big leaps back. In amongst all of that I have been dealing with my infamous peri-menopausal symptoms and the pressures of work!
Read my last blog post And so she starts again . . . again! (published on 12 November 2016) and see where I was 8 months ago!
I suppose that I should say some of the things that I learnt! There have been times in my life where I have been 'nearly' satisfied with, for one thing my appearance. There are other things too but this is the main thing in this situation. When I get to this point I have a tendency to sabotage. I know that I have mentioned this before but this time the 'doctor' in the village made me realize why I was sabotaging! Knowledge is power . . . there is no need to share what that knowledge is with the world and even with knowing it sometimes isn't easy . . .
The biggest lesson that I have learned this year is that yes, I am the product of my past but I don't have to allow it to define my future!
I am taking hold of the things that I have learned. I am a caregiver; I am very good at looking after everyone else and being there for them but not always very good at taking care of me. I have also struggled to see the qualities that I possess and would initially see some things as a negative rather than a positive.
Towards the end of March, although my personal life was in the best shape that it has been in years, more of that later, my work-life was not. I am a strong advocate and believer in everything happens for a reason. On one day, a passing comment from someone asking how I was snowballed. The result was that person, who is a very positive, good individual, making me stop . . . shed lots of tears and ask for help. I'm not sure if she spoke to anyone else about me but some senior colleagues took time to arrange a meeting and then put some plans in place that allowed me to receive some of the support that I needed at work. I would class that initial person as someone in my 'village'; a person who is also a caregiver and I know takes time for others. (Ha . . . ha . . . hee!)
She also said something about my character which I initially took as a criticism but on reflection is a true description of how I see myself and what makes me good at what I do! I AM SENSITIVE . . .
I take on other people's feelings; I have known this for years but maybe this is the first time in my life that I have acknowledged it. Taken it for what it is and seen that it is a true strength and not a weakness.
I am loyal . . . maybe too loyal . . . but it is who I am . . I will not change but I have learnt that being this sensitive I suck in junk and have to learn how to get rid of that instead of taking it into my soul. This academic year as been a lesson in doing so.
To finish on a positive note; having been out of my marriage for over 10 years and out of another significant relationship for over 6 years, I had thought that I was destined to a single life. Having dabbled in online dating (I could write a book/novel on this!) and realizing that it wasn't really for me I had accepted, and was building, a single life. Yet, the universe had different thoughts for me! If you haven't seen the film Sliding Doors, then I suggest you watch it. I had a moment on 21 December 2016 at 12.15pm where if I had made a different choice then I would not currently be in a happy, loving relationship with a man true to my heart . . . loyal! Watch this space . . . . . .
2017 will continue to be exciting; my best friend is expecting her first child in November and I am very excited for that event!
What we are . . . and what we want to be; sometimes we have to take a leap of faith. Maybe you do just have to take a step back, take stock and then jump; it can be scary but it can also be very exciting and lead to all sorts of things . . . some of you may even see me join your singing group!
Having successfully completed the Moonwalk in around 7 hours the following couple of days were difficult. Having not slept for the best part of 36 hours; the Moonwalk is 26.2 miles through the night, I really struggled with my body temperature. On reflection I would definitely say that this had something to do with the lack of fat and carbohydrate stores within my body. The Moonwalk was over a Saturday night and I went to work as normal on the Monday! I know that I then had a 'jet lag' kind of reaction or those doing a night shift would probably recognise the effect of working after lack of sleep!
The effect of all of this was that I needed to restore those stores! This is not actually something that I realised at the time but the consequence was that I started to eat things that I would never normally eat! Sweets and bread! I also didn't appear to have a 'stop' button . . . I just kept eating crap!!!
Those that know a little bit about me, or have even read some of the things that I have posted before, know that when I fall off the wagon, I fall hard! I would say that I was in free-fall and was lost inside myself . . . A very wise individual in my 'village' made me look inside myself. What I discovered was quite a difficult pill to swallow and has been a journey through this last year. Sometimes I have taken strides forward and then great big leaps back. In amongst all of that I have been dealing with my infamous peri-menopausal symptoms and the pressures of work!
Read my last blog post And so she starts again . . . again! (published on 12 November 2016) and see where I was 8 months ago!
I suppose that I should say some of the things that I learnt! There have been times in my life where I have been 'nearly' satisfied with, for one thing my appearance. There are other things too but this is the main thing in this situation. When I get to this point I have a tendency to sabotage. I know that I have mentioned this before but this time the 'doctor' in the village made me realize why I was sabotaging! Knowledge is power . . . there is no need to share what that knowledge is with the world and even with knowing it sometimes isn't easy . . .
The biggest lesson that I have learned this year is that yes, I am the product of my past but I don't have to allow it to define my future!
I am taking hold of the things that I have learned. I am a caregiver; I am very good at looking after everyone else and being there for them but not always very good at taking care of me. I have also struggled to see the qualities that I possess and would initially see some things as a negative rather than a positive.
Towards the end of March, although my personal life was in the best shape that it has been in years, more of that later, my work-life was not. I am a strong advocate and believer in everything happens for a reason. On one day, a passing comment from someone asking how I was snowballed. The result was that person, who is a very positive, good individual, making me stop . . . shed lots of tears and ask for help. I'm not sure if she spoke to anyone else about me but some senior colleagues took time to arrange a meeting and then put some plans in place that allowed me to receive some of the support that I needed at work. I would class that initial person as someone in my 'village'; a person who is also a caregiver and I know takes time for others. (Ha . . . ha . . . hee!)
She also said something about my character which I initially took as a criticism but on reflection is a true description of how I see myself and what makes me good at what I do! I AM SENSITIVE . . . I take on other people's feelings; I have known this for years but maybe this is the first time in my life that I have acknowledged it. Taken it for what it is and seen that it is a true strength and not a weakness.
I am loyal . . . maybe too loyal . . . but it is who I am . . I will not change but I have learnt that being this sensitive I suck in junk and have to learn how to get rid of that instead of taking it into my soul. This academic year as been a lesson in doing so.
To finish on a positive note; having been out of my marriage for over 10 years and out of another significant relationship for over 6 years, I had thought that I was destined to a single life. Having dabbled in online dating (I could write a book/novel on this!) and realizing that it wasn't really for me I had accepted, and was building, a single life. Yet, the universe had different thoughts for me! If you haven't seen the film Sliding Doors, then I suggest you watch it. I had a moment on 21 December 2016 at 12.15pm where if I had made a different choice then I would not currently be in a happy, loving relationship with a man true to my heart . . . loyal! Watch this space . . . . . .
2017 will continue to be exciting; my best friend is expecting her first child in November and I am very excited for that event!
What we are . . . and what we want to be; sometimes we have to take a leap of faith. Maybe you do just have to take a step back, take stock and then jump; it can be scary but it can also be very exciting and lead to all sorts of things . . . some of you may even see me join your singing group!