What a journey!

Did you ever make plans, stick to them, then life happens and gets in the way and you have to re-evaluate those plans?

Let me reassure you that you are not the only one!

I started on this blog journey just over three years ago. I had stopped being a WeightWatchers leader (now known as WW Coach) and hoped that others could read  a little bit of me and see my daily struggles as theirs might also be.

I love the illustration that I have put on this post; you set your plans out and life sometimes throws great big valleys in the way. You end up travelling much further on your journey than going the straight route!

This is how my life has been for well over two years.

Two years ago I completed the 50km Thames Path Challenge, as a walk. Four months previously I'd completed the Moonwalk, for those reading outside England, this is not a Michael Jackson dance but a 26.2 mile overnight power walk around London. This I completed in just over 7 hours. Some feat! It would be fair to say that I had really enjoyed training for the Moonwalk but afterwards I 'crashed' and my passion and desire for walking, or indeed any exercise, died.

At the beginning of September I decided that my lifestyle needed a kick up the backside! I've got happy and content in my relationship and taking time for me seemed to have dropped off the radar. To put this in some context, two years ago I was happily a UK dress size 8/10 and had become a size 14/16. Some might say, 'I'd love to be a size 14!', but I have always maintained that weight and dress size are about what you are comfortable with. I did not like being a size 14, bordering on a size 16. From a weight perspective I would say that six weeks ago I weighed 56 pounds more than I did at my lowest weight, which was in February 2012. That weight is too low for me now, to be fair it was then too! As I approach my fiftieth birthday, in less than six months, I know where I need to be plus I am now loved by a man who accepts me for who I am and just wants me to be happy with me.

My best friend told him, when she first met him, that I was driven and that nothing would stand in my way when I made a decision, about weight loss. For as long as I have known her I have mostly been single; therefore the only person that I needed to worry about was me. Okay, I did have two teenagers but meal planning was done around them and it worked well for the best part of seven years!

I have always maintained that for me to be in control of my weight management, I have to plan and track what I eat. Taking time for me included planning meals and taking time to exercise. Because walking had been my 'go to' exercise, for so long, that's what I went back to. On Sunday 2 September I went for a walk. I walked for an hour. My ankles, which have started to become a real issue since peri-menopause, ached so badly that at times I could have sat down and cried. One of my knees, which has also been causing me problems, was also an issue. I felt very deflated by the whole experience.

I have had my gym membership for over a year and been failing to use it, like so many people, I guess! Feeling as I did, I knew that going into the gym would be a problem but it has a swimming pool so I decided that was where I would start. 30 minutes swimming can and would be as good as any 30 minutes that I could do on a treadmill, and let me tell you I'd never be able to run for 30 minutes on a treadmill!!

So, six weeks on. My meals are planned and tracked, on a weekly basis. Exercise, swimming, is planned every week; I try to go three times a week but sometimes it's only twice. I am 12 pounds down. We ALL want to lose weight quickly, but the correct journey would be slow and steady wins the race 😊When I started back on the correct path it was 16 weeks until Christmas and 16 weeks until my wedding! The plan had been to lose 14 pounds (1 stone) by then. That was realistic; understanding that I now live with someone and I cannot be as 'in control' as I was when I was single! Obviously, as I am nearly at that goal and we still have another 10 weeks to go the new goal is 21 pounds. If I lose much more than that then my wedding dress will need altering!

Back to the illustration; in July 2011 I started what I planned would be my FINAL journey with weight loss. For five plus years I managed to keep on a fairly straight path but the last two years have been more like the second picture; getting stuck in the water and not being able to get out, or stuck in that valley and not being tall enough to reach the ladder to climb out. YOU HAVE TO BE MOTIVATED! Yes, my motivation is my own wedding. I am also not saying that it is easy because temptation comes in many forms but sometimes it just takes doing something. 

Preparation is key; without it life is just so much more difficult. The journey will throw many obstacles in your way. Some you may sit on for a while, some may push you backwards but the key is just to carry on this journey through life.

Spread your wings . . .

Tomorrow sees the end of an era for me; my last day working in a job that I have held in one form or another for nearly 12 years. It will also bring to an end an association that I have had for nearly 14 years.

In March 2004, I became a governor on the then Temporary Governing Body of the planned new secondary school for Hampton, Peterborough. That school was to be called Hampton College. My eldest son started as one of the first 90 students in Year 7 when it opened for it's first day in September 2005. There are still 7 members of teaching staff and 2 members of support staff who started then that are still part of the now Academy Trust. I, as a governor, was involved in the direct interview of 4 of those teachers. 

I started working at Hampton College in April 2006; the first job that I had held since I had become a mother in 1994. I have learnt so much about myself in those 12 years. I hope that I have left an imprint of myself on not only colleagues but most definitely on some young people too. There are several that have left an impact on me!

I was a caterpillar that has turned into a butterfly; shed my cocoon and learnt how to fly. Some who know me now will have seen that growth. Others will struggle to imagine who I was as they have only seen who I am now. Some may even be able to tell stories of 'tweed' 😏 and can tell you how different I am now!

I now have a confidence and belief that means that I am ready to face a new challenge.

It can never be said that when I do things that I do them by half. I am an all or nothing kinda girl, which also makes me a marmite person, something that I am totally aware of 😉; you either like me or hate me, there is no middle ground!

Some may be surprised to know that I don't really do fuss and would rather slink out the door with no-one seeing me. That has not been allowed to happen. Last Friday I had the delight of over 40 friends and colleagues being at a surprise leaving meal for me; some of those that I have worked with closely over that time but who have moved on too, also being there. I did shed a few tears every now and again that night. I hope they all know how much it meant to me 💖

Before I had children I worked in the world of retail. My first Saturday job was at Habitat, which I loved. I was given responsibilities, as a 17 year old, that I now can look back on and see that the store manager saw something in me that I didn't even realise! Having failed my A levels miserably and losing out on my place at university to study Speech Therapy I had to look at what else I could do. My first full-time job was working for a small family business, in Oundle, who sold curtains and carpets. I drove a Bedford Rascal van 🚚; basically a tin on wheels!  Last week, a very good friend repeated words that I have said many a time, 'I used to drive a van, don't you know'! My dad taught me the life skill of using your wing mirrors to park a vehicle in that Bedford Rascal as it had no rear windows to help you! He drove buses whilst at university to feed us!

I then moved onto larger objects, selling furniture in Westgate House. A job I loved, I could sell! Must be that engaging personality!? When I left, heavily pregnant with my first child, I was the assistant manager on the department; funny that he is now in retail and also loves it. We are people people!

Roll on nearly 25 years; I have grown to understand and accept who I am. 11 years ago a friend wanted me to run the office of the business that she and her husband had bought. That 'Tessa' did not have the confidence to do that, but she saw those qualities. Fast forward to February 2018 and I am leaving an institution that has been a part of my life. My growth, changing this caterpillar into a butterfly who is strong and able to spread her wings. I am humble and do sometimes still have doubts, so do need reminding that I have strength. I have found that in a wonderful man.

I am leaving the place that has 'made' me, leaving behind some friends, who I hope will continue to be friends. Challenges face me and us, but that is exciting! I am going to help grow a fledgling business and give it some of me. My administration skills, my organisation skills, my people skills, oh and my selling skills, returning to the world of retail! I might need to learn a few things about cars, vans and campers but life is all about learning!

Living and working together will be fun. We may have some exciting challenges through our journey but I have spent the last 12 years working with teenagers; a 44 year old man and his 70 year old parents can't be too much harder can they?!

My favourite poem of all time is by Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken;

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day! 
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 

This road, that I have taken, may not be an easy one and is likely to have many challenges in its way but I am very excited by the life that I am choosing. Life is a journey . . . 

Take a deep breath

Have you ever had that feeling, that sometimes you have to take a deep breath and start again? Or New Year, new you?

Food and weight are funny things; one of my brothers would say that we have the fat gene. I am not entirely sure that this is true but I would definitely say that my relationship with food is an interesting thing.

I would say that once you have a weight problem, you always have a weight problem. I recently heard someone say that there was a fat person continually trying to come out of them. For those of you that have followed my blog since I stopped being a WeightWatchers leader, or for those of you that are new to my blog, I just want to remind you that I'm normal!

My previous blog told you how happy I am; there is a side to this that comes at a cost! My man snacks! I can't eat the snacks that he does but guess what, in the year that we've been together he has turned me into a snacker! That is not entirely true or fair to him; haven't you just read that I said once you have a weight problem you always have a weight problem, even if you have shifted that weight?! I am also going to use a word that many people will sigh when reading 'oh, no here she goes again mentioning that word'; peri-menopause!

In the last year I have lost a little weight and gained a whole load more 😒 Is this the fat person trying to get out or is this contentment? My man would say that he doesn't have a problem with where I am so I shouldn't, but I do! I've said it before; I know what to do, I know how to do it and I know the success that can be had. So what to do? The answer may not be the same for all but for me it's about taking control and the start of that is by returning to a WeightWatchers meeting.

This I did last night; faced the horror of the scales . . . and it was a horror. Want to know how horrific? I weighed more than I have in over 10 years. This is really not good but in actual fact I have done the hardest thing for me and possibly for a lot of people and that is to accept where I am, draw a line under it and start again. How many times have I said that? If you read back through Tessa's Moments you will probably find too many times to count! Life is a journey and weight loss is part of that never ending journey for me. Sometimes the fat person gets out and takes over until I reach a point where I don't want to live like that anymore.

My man sees me as a whole person not just about weight, size or how others look at me but I'm not comfortable being the size I currently am. That is what is the most important thing. We should never do things because of what others think of us. Success will never come. We should always do what makes us happy.

Yesterday was Monday, the start of the new working week and although going to my meeting last night and not 'officially' starting until today I had to take back some control before standing on the scales last night! Lunchtimes are a real challenge for me. I use that time to leave work and go for a walk, clear my head and get some fresh air. The problem is that there is a Tescos Extra about half a mile from where I work. Yesterday, and indeed today, have been the first time in over four months that I have managed to go there without buying sweets! I don't do things by halves . . . ever, so we are not talking about one packet or bag. Tescos do 3 for £1.20 and have regular offers on pouch bags; how can one possibly resist?! Well, I have managed for two days! I just need to keep that up and break the bad habit that I have got into. 

I have said this before and will indeed say it again, I'm sure. For me to keep control of my weight I have to track everything that I eat. The beauty of WeightWatchers is that you are given a budget; you stick to that budget. The way to do it, like my bank account, is to keep a track of it! Rule #1: Remind myself that this is what works for me and I have to keep doing it.

So, back to the start of this post; I have taken a deep breath and started again. I am in the final fifteen months of my forties, most of which have been amazing and a real learning experience for me. I need to make sure that the lessons that I have learned in this decade stand me in stead for moving into my fifties and being fit, fabulous and fantastic. The first thing is to regain control of this weight thing!

Another chapter in my life

Friday 1 December 2017

Almost ten and a half years ago I moved out of what was my marital home with my two sons who were nearly 13 and 10 respectively. We were embarking on the next chapter in our lives; my sons now coming to terms with the fact that their parents had separated and how that was going to impact on their lives. We moved into our house, just the three us of and were all to grow as individuals.

Today, that house has been sold and the keys handed over to someone else. One son is now 23 and the proud owner of a 2 bedroom flat and on the property ladder himself; the other, now 20, embarking on his third year at university living out his dream studying in the US, at the University of Dallas.

A lot has changed over the last 10 years. People talk about '7 year life cycles' and I can definitely relate to that.

This time last year I could never have imagined that my life would be where it is today. Our works Christmas do was on this day, as it is this year, and I was entertaining several members of staff with my online dating exploits! We were even suggesting that I could write a book! Little was I to know that a chance encounter 19 days later would lead to where I am today.

Last night, both of my sons, independently, sent me messages; 'did you get any photos/cry over empty Ruster Way'  and 'Are you sad?'.  I can honestly say that what was our home had just become a house. When they both left home and were at university, which was in September 2015, our home became somewhere that I lived and sort of lost it's heart and vibrance; the empty nest effect and although one has come home they are both now adult men and our relationships are different; as they should be!

My boys have well and truly spread their fledgling wings but still know where they can come to for reassurance and knowledge. We are all learning how to behave in the adult-adult realm rather than adult-child world!

So, we all start the next chapters of our lives.

I am very excited about my life. I have started to do some things that have been dormant for some time; the creative part of me which come from my roots, my father and paternal grandmother. I have a man in my life who is encouraging and supportive, who, along with his children have taken me in and are accepting of who I am!

We are forging a path ahead and have some exciting plans. As I approach the end of my forties and the nifty fifties loom I am learning to deal with some of the challenges that life forces upon a woman of a certain age; embracing them and coming to terms with the changes imposed by my body.

Life is great and I am looking forward to new chapters that I would never have expected to write this time last year 😊.

Is summer really over?

Is summer really over?! Apologies to those of you who are not teachers, or work in a school, or indeed those who DO work in a school but are on a full-time contract; i.e. no time off during the summer holidays (!). If you are a teacher or work in a school then today, Monday 4 September, is likely to have been the first day in a while that the alarm has been set and you've had to think about going in to work!

If my Facebook feed was anything to go by last night then there were a lot of people in my position last night; or have even been having those dreams for some time 😏

What does summer being over mean for me, other than being back at work properly for the first time in five weeks?! Well, the sensible eating plan has most definitely been out the window. As someone who works in a school, I already know how far away the next holiday is (I won't dare to mention the 🎄🎅!), so there is time to do something in a healthy way.

So as always, I have had to take the first little steps. That for me is by returning to my WeightWatchers meeting. I have somehow managed to lose all my paperwork (!) but I could still face the music. That I did . . . let's just say that it was the first time I'd been in five weeks! I was expecting the worst and was so surprised to see I'd only put on a pound. The person I see is maybe not who others see and to be fair my partner says I'm too hard on myself. 

I LIKE ROUTINE! It may even be true that I have slight OCD but is that a bad thing?! Being back at school gives me that routine back.

I feel that I am forever starting again and that I have said this before!? Please take heart from someone who seems to be starting again . . . again . . . again . . . again . . . that it's okay to start again and that if you are returning to something that you know and have done, whether that be WeightWatchers or Slimming World or indeed a healthy eating plan devised by your PT that they will never give up on you, so don't give up on yourself.

Life is a journey . . . sometimes we stop 🚫, take a break, or even a different route, but eventually when you are ready you will get back on that train 🚆 called life . . . and give it, yet another go, if you are anything like me!

KEEP STRIVING TO BE THE BEST YOU, YOU CAN BE!

I got lost!

Well it's the start of the summer holidays, although I have actually worked all this week!

I have thought about writing something on my blog for a couple of weeks but knew that I needed to get the school year done and dusted with before I could even contemplate starting to write something . . . 

As always, I hope that some of what I write, and you will read, may help someone . . . if not the process is usually very cathartic for me!

It is the end of July 2017 and for a long time I have felt lost. When looking for an image to go with the title of this blog the picture above I felt really meant something; I was lost inside myself. I am someone who everyone would say is easy to read, and for the most part that is true, but I am also very good at keeping a huge amount of things inside me, not asking for help until things are really bad!

I started off 2016 in a very positive place; I was in control of many aspects of my life. Having started training for the London Moonwalk in early February. I was on a mission and nothing would stand in my way. Probably too late, I realised that my nutrition around the amount of exercise I was doing was not satisfactory; I was on a mission and as some would say when I've set my mind to do something then I don't stop! 

Having successfully completed the Moonwalk in around 7 hours the following couple of days were difficult. Having not slept for the best part of 36 hours; the Moonwalk is 26.2 miles through the night, I really struggled with my body temperature. On reflection I would definitely say that this had something to do with the lack of fat and carbohydrate stores within my body. The Moonwalk was over a Saturday night and I went to work as normal on the Monday! I know that I then had a 'jet lag' kind of reaction or those doing a night shift would probably recognise the effect of working after lack of sleep! 

The effect of all of this was that I needed to restore those stores! This is not actually something that I realised at the time but the consequence was that I started to eat things that I would never normally eat! Sweets and bread! I also didn't appear to have a 'stop' button . . . I just kept eating crap!!! 

Those that know a little bit about me, or have even read some of the things that I have posted before, know that when I fall off the wagon, I fall hard! I would say that I was in free-fall and was lost inside myself . . . A very wise individual in my 'village' made me look inside myself. What I discovered was quite a difficult pill to swallow and has been a journey through this last year. Sometimes I have taken strides forward and then great big leaps back. In amongst all of that I have been dealing with my infamous peri-menopausal symptoms and the pressures of work!

Read my last blog post And so she starts again . . . again!  (published on 12 November 2016) and see where I was 8 months ago!

I suppose that I should say some of the things that I learnt! There have been times in my life where I have been 'nearly' satisfied with, for one thing my appearance. There are other things too but this is the main thing in this situation. When I get to this point I have a tendency to sabotage. I know that I have mentioned this before but this time the 'doctor' in the village made me realize why I was sabotaging! Knowledge is power . . . there is no need to share what that knowledge is with the world and even with knowing it sometimes isn't easy . . .

The biggest lesson that I have learned this year is that yes, I am the product of my past but I don't have to allow it to define my future!

I am taking hold of the things that I have learned. I am a caregiver; I am very good at looking after everyone else and being there for them but not always very good at taking care of me. I have also struggled to see the qualities that I possess and would initially see some things as a negative rather than a positive.  

Towards the end of March, although my personal life was in the best shape that it has been in years, more of that later, my work-life was not. I am a strong advocate and believer in everything happens for a reason. On one day, a passing comment from someone asking how I was snowballed. The result was that person, who is a very positive, good individual, making me stop . . . shed lots of tears and ask for help. I'm not sure if she spoke to anyone else about me but some senior colleagues took time to arrange a meeting and then put some plans in place that allowed me to receive some of the support that I needed at work. I would class that initial person as someone in my 'village'; a person who is also a caregiver and I know takes time for others. (Ha . . . ha . . . hee!)

She also said something about my character which I initially took as a criticism but on reflection is a true description of how I see myself and what makes me good at what I do! I AM SENSITIVE . . . 

I take on other people's feelings; I have known this for years but maybe this is the first time in my life that I have acknowledged it. Taken it for what it is and seen that it is a true strength and not a weakness.

 I am loyal . . . maybe too loyal . . . but it is who I am . . I will not change but I have learnt that being this sensitive I suck in junk and have to learn how to get rid of that instead of taking it into my soul. This academic year as been a lesson in doing so.

To finish on a positive note; having been out of my marriage for over 10 years and out of another significant relationship for over 6 years, I had thought that I was destined to a single life. Having dabbled in online dating (I could write a book/novel on this!) and realizing that it wasn't really for me I had accepted, and was building, a single life. Yet, the universe had different thoughts for me! If you haven't seen the film Sliding Doors, then I suggest you watch it. I had a moment on 21 December 2016 at 12.15pm where if I had made a different choice then I would not currently be in a happy, loving relationship with a man true to my heart . . . loyal! Watch this space . . . . . . 

2017 will continue to be exciting; my best friend is expecting her first child in November and I am very excited for that event!

What we are . . . and what we want to be; sometimes we have to take a leap of faith. Maybe you do just have to take a step back, take stock and then jump; it can be scary but it can also be very exciting and lead to all sorts of things . . . some of you may even see me join your singing group!

And so she starts again . . . again!

I know I have a problem. It's part of the reason for my blog because I know I'm not the only one out there and if my honesty hits just one other then that's a good thing . . . I think!? 

I'm a food addict and when I fall off the wagon I do it in the most epic style!

In the middle of May I was so close to the point where I could say I was happy with my weight. Then something happened. To this day I'm not really sure what. I have spent 6 months trying to figure that out. Coming to some conclusions about myself. Putting other theories out of my mind.  All I truly know is that I fell off the wagon. Hard.

Before you can get back on the journey you need to want to. I mean really want to. No messing about. No playing. Maybe you have to hit the bottom hard. Crash.

So once you have dusted yourself off you need to put a plan together. Nothing, in life I believe, works without a plan.

So with that in mind. I've done what I know to do. What I know works, for me. Eaten humble pie . . . again and gone back. Taken that step. Walked through the doors. Found the correct platform and got back on the train yet again. This time I need to try not to fall out of the moving carriage and to keep on the right track. Even when I think I've arrived I have to wait for the train to stop. I can't step off a moving train. I'm also not sure that this train ever stops it should just slow down!

And so she starts again . . . again!